Monday, January 12, 2009

Hand holding vs. Kissing

It turns out in dating that there are legitimate issues and then there are the "personal issue" issues. As in,
"I don't like men who like dogs."
"Hmm. Sounds like a personal issue to me."

So, being late is legitimate. My told disdain for hand holding before kissing is personal.

I'm not saying it has to be this exuberant of kissing, although technically it was a first kiss. The goodnight kiss is included. I realize tongue kissing is totally intimate. I'm not a total freak, so somewhat of a freak.
Allow me to explain. The last two guys I have gone out with have begun the hand holding immediately.

The first one starts on the first date. . . before dinner even was served. Seriously. Like I'm trying to eat my Italian meal one-handed. That is ridiculous. He kept touching my leg and grabbing my hand. Seemed invasive to me. I guess if he had just grabbed my hand as he walked me to my car I might not have been so distressed, but the dinner hand business was just too much.

The second guy at least waited until the second date. We were in a movie. It wasn't even a romance. It was a freaking war movie. He starts grabbing my hand and then holds it like ten different ways. I researched it and even found a web page that talks about Hand holding styles this guy was hitting them all. It was distracting and annoying. Then in the car he wanted to hold my hand some more. But it was an SUV so we were holding hands across where a console would be, but there was no console, so the hands were kind of in the air and awkward. Not exactly comfortable.

I know in high school that there is lots of hand holding before you move to kissing, but it seems to me as an adult if we haven't even gotten to the goodnight kiss that the abduction of one of my limbs should come after the "our relationship has progressed past the getting to know you stage to the kissing stage."

Think about it. If they have your hand/arm, you don't have it. You have lost that appendage to their whims. I think that it becomes more intimate than the good night kiss. So, as I work my way back in to the jungle of dating. Do I hold in my dislike of the immediate hand holding and suffer through it or let this particular weirdness out? How do you feel on the issue? Am I nuts (please keep this response specific to this topic, yes, I know the general answer.) Talk to me.


  1. Hmmm, interesting topic and quite a quandry. I have not given this a lot of thought in recent years, but here is my take.

    Hand holding while trying to eat dinner - umm weird and awkward especially when fisrt getting to know someone. Come to think of it, I do not think I ever held a hand while eating, but I have held a baby while eating. Seems different though :o). Your instincts are correct me thinks!

    As to when to hold a hand - I think that is personal preference. I prefer a brief hand holding before a first kiss, however I should define that. Hold holding while in a movie, toward the end of a movie - OK. Hand holding while walking or for longer periods of time, should wait until the relationship progresses and after that first kiss.

    Now if said peron's hand is clammy, hand holding should not be done. Sweaty hands are a turn off. Also, I also am not a big fan of touching my leg on a first date - should get to know someone better.

    Hope this helps!
    Pam M.

  2. Well, I've waited all day to get home where I could sit, be quiet and actually give this some thought.

    My philosophy is usually - if you like the guy - holding hands or kissing and the order, doesn't really matter- you just want it to happen.

    If you like the guy he can call 5 times a day. If you don't like the guy - one time in a week is too much.

    I suppose that holding hands is a more public display of affection. Most adults wouldn't make-out in public, therefore that becomes a private way to express affection. Holding hands is another way to express affection but more "acceptably" public. So, by holding your hand HE is signifying that the "relationship" is more intimate than it really is.

    I always assume that when people are holding hands - they are together, dating, serious, exclusive.

    So, to answer your question - I think that to hold hands on a first, second or 15th date - if the relationship isn't exclusive - it is way too much!

    I also think that on dates - if you don't like it - you shouldn't do it. If he doesn't like it....he most likely isn't very emotionally mature. It takes two to hold hands and both should want to be there.

    Looking forward to hearing what others have to say.


  3. Well, you obviously didn't want any males to reply to your blog. Your warning signs states “...commit to me.” Whoa, I just clicked on some link, and you're already asking for a commitment? Sheesh.

    Then after asking for a commitment, you outlaw hand holding? What's next, no sex before marriage? Next. :)

    Granted I wouldn't put either dude in the smooth category, but you should be aware that a bunch of smooth guys are that way because they're covered in 10W-30 (that's oil ladies... and it stems from their smarminess ).

    Neither one of them put a tongue in your ear; they just tried to break the touch barrier. Ok, so they awkwardly tried to hold your hand. That's not a deal breaker. That's where a little bit of polish is needed to rub out a rough spot. Maybe he wears ugly argyle socks, or trims his nails in public. Sure both of those are bad, but with a little proper encouragement you can successfully modify those habits.

    However, judging from the gist of your blog, their habits aren't really what bothered you; the guys themselves were! So, drop 'em if your gut tells you to, just don't cry all over your blog when the really smooth guy (who's that way because his wife has already polished him) breaks your heart by sleeping with you sister. :)

    token male