Thursday, October 21, 2010

Hello, hello, hello

I started writing to keep friends and family up on what was going on with my move and trip 4 + years ago. As I did it, I realized that although I had tried to write journals for years, some how, writing online for my little blog posts seemed to work for me. I guess I like to write for others. Now, I am writing, but it feels like I am writing into a void. That what I am writing will never actually be seen. The upside of that, is of course, that I am less likely to get in trouble. I feel like I've been doing a whole lotta that lately.

To catch you up on the latest...

Some times I swear, life is really too much. So the BFF has been worrying about me getting my lease renewed since it has been almost a year since I moved into the current casa. So, I final sent the rental company an email asking about it. Then I called. They said that the owner was wanting to raise the rent, and they would do an "inspection" and then decide how much to raise the rent. The whole thing really annoyed me, and, as you might guess, caused me to freak out a bit. I sent an email expressing my distress and asking that an inspection occur on Monday if possible.

I still haven't heard from them. It's after noon on Friday. I'm thinking Monday...not gonna happen.

I started looking online to see what else was out there. Wednesday, I went to look at a place that looked pretty good. Actually fantastic AND is cheaper than where I am now!! (That is likely to be the only good news to emerge from my life this or even next month, so let's pause a moment and really enjoy it.) OK, moving on.

In the meantime, I got a phone call from my friend PR. (I'm so glad that I have friends.) Turns out a high ranking parent in the district told the superintendent that I wrote about a school incident in my blog. Go ahead read previous posts and see if there is any thing worthy of attention a la school. See if they managed to completely miss the point of everything I wrote. I am so pissed. So, twitter and blog are now private.

And again, I am reminded that the relationships I thought I had with the kids, aren't quite what I have thought they were.

Because yeah, I had the audacity to express my opinion to the girls about something they did. I am so freaking sad. and mad. and bitter. and sad.

It's like this big freaking sign that I need to completely distance myself from them. And that will really suck the fun out of my job. Because the value I thought I was adding to my job was trying to help them to be thoughtful, and responsible and honest. And it turns out, that I'm not actually adding any value at all.

Yes, I know I am writing in a funk. Eventually I will emerge. But right now. I am wishing I had a different job. That paid better. And didn't make me feel like a complete failure.

I am wishing that my life were totally different. I am wishing that I didn't feel like I was at the bottom of a well with little chance of seeing the light of day soon.


This blog is going private in 24 hours. If you would like to follow'll have to email ( me. Explanation to come once this blog is private.

Another lesson in humility.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Humility lessons are hateful

Interesting how the universe can conspire to teach you the lessons that God wants you to learn. I think God has been talking to me for several weeks now, but I haven't been listening very carefully. Today, he wacked me on the head. Fine. You have my attention.

Recently my sis posted about having to learn humility lessons for herself. I thought at the time, yes, those are hard. I have gotten full of myself from time to time too.

Recently a jogger was killed on the Katy Trail by a bicyclist traveling past her. She turned to go back, and he/she was going too fast? too close? whatever and hit her. A lot of the news stories talked about how she had headphones on. All I could think was what if she didn't, but tripped, would it have been more of the bicyclist's responsibility? And then I thought about how self-righteous so many of our neighborly bicyclists are and that being self-righteous only leads to trouble. Hard to reason with the self-righteous.

Recently, you might remember I started having trouble with my dog hating neighbor again. I have been feeling pretty indignant about the whole thing. In the meantime, some stuff happened at school. I realized a parallel for me is that the morning I let the dogs out at 10:30 because Sabrina had made a mess in the kitchen; I had a choice. I could have left her in the kitchen. Sure it would have been a mess, and I would have been cleaning both dogs, but they wouldn't have been outside to bark. I knew I was being naughty (taking a chance etc), but I did it anyway. I need to accept the part I played in everything that has happened since. I can be self-righteous about the why I let them out or the how infrequently I let them out early or my rights as a citizen, but in the end, I took a chance that they would behave and there wouldn't be a problem, and, well, I crapped out (no pun intended. Oh, who am I kidding? Pun totally intended)

Recently, there were some issues with twitter and students starting anonymous accounts to post mean stuff about other people. There was a comment in a post that indicated a student was on the yearbook staff. I told my students that the yearbook person needed to come forth and speak to me about it. No one did. So much for my influence and teaching them the importance of being honest about having made mistakes.

Oh, and the school issue? A little confusing, but let me see if I can sum it up. DELETED COURTESY OF CENSORSHIP I SUPPOSE. (OK, to put back- an organization at the school wanted to participate in a "senior only" thing at school that their sponsor told them not to do. They started to do it anyway, she told them again, then again. the long and the short of it is that they disobeyed their sponsor. I think they knew they were being naughty, and they didn't think they would get in trouble. But they did, and they were PISSED about having the book thrown at them by their sponsor. And, that again the lesson of taking responsibility for oneself has been lost.

So, I'm in a funk. I am not loving my job right now. I am disappointed in myself for getting such a big head when I very clearly shouldn't, and I am trying to focus on my new behavior plan.

I made a list of Rules to Work by to remind myself of my place in this little world. It might be overkill, but I think I need to keep my mouth shut and lay low for a good long while. I'm tired of finding myself looking like an idiot in front of the principal.

1. Keep your opinions to yourself.

2. "You might be right" is a magical phrase. (Learned this one from BFF. Great way to end a conversation that is going nowhere quickly.)

3. Document, document, document. I happen to be dealing with a highly litigious portion of society. Probably a good idea to keep good records.

4. It's not your business, so don't ask questions. (Maybe if I wouldn't be such a nosy Nelly I wouldn't feel a need to then share my opinions.)

5. Tell the truth, but remember everyone lies. Got this one from House. It's true.

6. If you make a mistake, admit it. Immediately. I already do this one, but it is a good one to remember anyway.

7. Be mindful of whom you trust. Goes along with the others. I need to keep my mouth shut. Everyone doesn't have my best interests at heart. Most have their own.

8. Be calm. Make your point; then shut up. I talk too much and I know it. I don't need to beat a point in the ground or raise my voice to make a point. State what my expectation is and end the discussion.

9. Keep your head down and get your work done. It's called flying under the radar. Try it.

10. Remember there is always someone looking for an opportunity to get you in trouble. Do NOT give it to them. (Got this one just yesterday from another teacher. She said that she always tries to remember that no matter how much she thinks her kids love her, there is always one that doesn't and will tell their parents if she does something she shouldn't.)

Be grateful you h ave a job. Lots of people don't.

OK, so there they are. I'm going to put them in front of me. I don't think my job is going to be as much fun for a while, and it is really going to be hard to be the professional that could be filmed in the classroom all day, but that is my new goal. I'm on a reality show 24/7 and how will what I do look on TV. YIKES.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Let's see what Sabrina goes through in 30 days
45 Cans of Pumpkin
60 cans of dog food
5 bags of greenie pill holders
12 chicken breasts
4 bags of cranberries
and, wait for it...
315 pills

Now I have to go and clean.

How I learned I'm stressed

So, it is completely obvious that I am at full capacity a la stress level and any more than the current level turns into the tipping point of insanity.

I knew the PSAT was coming up and as always I would be administering it, but I managed to put it in the back of my mind until late Tuesday night.

I got to school yesterday morning right at 7 so that I could try to make an arrangement for someone to take my place for an hour at 10 so I could run home and take care of Sabrina.

I approach the lady in charge of testing and an AP and she tells me everyone is in use...AP suggests one of the other APs because he has to do the AV for senior presentations.

Then I can't find the other APs. I go back and ask how is EVERYONE in use if we are only giving the PSAT to 10th graders... The other grades were in groups for other types of presentation.

I call one of the "extras" in the other groups that the AP tells me could help me out. She says I don't think I can because we are doing group work or something." Stress level rising.

I find another AP who says its not that I don't want to help you but why can't one of the other APs help you? At which point... in the front of the building...with large numbers of people milling about...I started sobbing as I crossed the hall.

The new principal, thank you very much, sees me trying to get into an office so he comes to unlock the door. I call the BFF..still sobbing...hysterical sobbing. God bless her, I know she thinks I'm nuts and precariously close to jumping off a cliff. She then works to calm me down.

The front receptionist comes in. (Luckily she knows what's going on and is an absolute animal lover. She gets me tissue, a bottle of water and tlc.

Principal walks in. She tells him the deal since I start crying again. Yes, I have no doubt he thinks I am a total nut job. I told him (while sobbing, of course) that I didn't realize how much stress i'm under until something happens. I know it's not life or death but I don't understand why if everyone is in groups no one can even check in on my kids since there is another monitor in the room anyway...It seemed like such a little thing but it was a wall of "I can't help."

So, that is how I got confirmation that I am really, really stressed out.

Friday, October 8, 2010


It's been 50 days since Sabrina had her stroke.

I started giving up hope a couple of weeks ago. She is walking again which is fantastic, but she has no control over her bladder or bowels. I spend a lot of time cleaning up the messes she leaves behind.

I had begun to cry (often), trying to accept putting Sabrina down, and just in general being utterly depressed and sad.
As a side note, I don't know how people survive having small children in the house. My entire world has shrunk down to the size of my living room. The size of my plastic covered living room.

I have been going home every day during 3rd period to "express" Sabrina's bladder. She has no sensation so she doesn't know when she needs to pee, I literally have to squeeze her bladder to make her pee. There will never be photos of that maneuver, trust me.

She doesn't know when she has to poop so she just does it as she walks. Yeah, you can see the need for plastic. (Although please note that she can still manage to find a way to get her butt on the ONE SPOT that is uncovered.)

Occasionally I have let her get on the big comfy chair with me (layer of plastic, blanket, then us) ...well, until she pees on me.

She walks pretty well now. Still a little like a one year old... all wiggly and some times surprised when her butt shows up beside her head, but we can walk almost 2 miles now. THAT is really good.

Buddy is doing pretty well through all of this. He gets a little jealous, so he can't stand it when I cave and let Sabrina on the chair. Little me sandwich. (I was in my little pjs so I put a photoshop skirt on me : )
And the truth has come out...turns out, Buddy is the one eating on the red chair (that's why there is plastic around the arms.) Buddy is the one that eats blankets etc. He is the one causing all sorts of trouble. Guess he didn't think that when he was the only one allowed to run free if he was bad, he wouldn't be able to hide behind the "it wasn't me, it was her" defense.

Buddy constantly wants to play with her, and she does a little but she does still snap at him when he catches her by surprise.

At any rate, we hang out when I'm not making their special dinners or cleaning up after the messes or trying to make her potty or doing the laundry. I snuggle with her as much as possible because I'm worried and I don't know how long she will be around. I love her with all my heart, but I know that I can't keep this up forever. It is really, really hard.

And I have been taking lots and lots of pictures. Ode to Sabrina, if you will.

Two days ago, I came home 3rd to find a MESS, so I threw the dogs outside because I didn't have time to clean and headed back to school. The dog hater started calling an hour later and called 6 times in two hours. I finally had to start hanging up on her. She then sent me a nasty email using my worries about Sabrina (which I wish I hadn't blurted out) against me, you know ...if you can't take care of your dogs you should find someone else to do so. BITCH.

It just has all been throwing me into a total depression.

BUT. Last night. She stood up, and her tail was sticking STRAIGHT OUT. (No, I didn't manage to get a picture, I know, I know.) This may not sound like much, but trust is something. AND this morning she was standing still, but I could see the top part of her tail moving...AAUUGGGHHHHHH I am so excited.