Thomas Kempis, Have you heard of him?

Yeah, I hadn't either. And yet, the other day when I was distraught that someone wasn't doing things the way I thought they should, my sister pulled out this Thomas Kempis quote... 

"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."  

Oh Thomas, you medieval monk you! How wise your words are, and yet how very difficult to keep that perspective. 

I knew as soon as I heard them that they would require a blog post. How often does it happen that we have expectations of how someone else should be behaving and when they fail to meet our expectations, we are upset? For me, probably much more often than I should allow it to happen. I know better. I've been in this world long enough to know that expecations cause more trouble than almost anything else. 

Now, as an aside, I will say when I tell a child to specifically do something and she fails to do it, well, she is making her own bed. And she gets to deal with those consequences of making me angry. I might have had an expecation, but I made sure she knew the expectation. 

AND, when I lay out my expectations for others, I would like to think it is reasonable to expect them to meet those expectations or to tell me why that is not going to happen. Hell, just tell me it is not going to happen. Because I think then they lay their expecations out for me, it is reasonable to expect me to meet those expectations or at the very least to be sure the other person knows I can't meet them. 

Because a lot of problems could be aleviated if people would just communicate. Talk. Say "I don't understand" or "this is what I need" or "you must go away right now." What has happened that it is so difficult for people to communicate? What is the fear? What is the concern? Why choose not to communicate? 

Somehow we are living in a world in which we've decided it's better to slink off rather than deal with any difficulties or unpleasantness, we try to avert trouble by dodging it rather than dealing with it and moving on. We choose to come to conclusions that may or may not be supported by fact and then we act without every communicating those conclusions or verifying their veracity.  We live in a world that is making me slightly insane. 

I admit it. I don't like it. I would so much rather deal with people that are honest and straightforward. I would rather hear the bad news and deal with the problems than KNOW there is a problem but not be able to do ANYTHING about it because no one is talking about it.  It's exhausting.  

And lest you think I was ignoring the second part of that quote let me go on... I think one of my greatest struggles is dealing with who I am versus who I want to be. I am very aware of my shortcomings, many though they may be. In fact, I've been amused more than once by someone telling me of a shortcoming in a fashion that indicates I might not know about it. Oh, I know about them. I struggle with them. One or two I've just grown to accept. They are my shortcomings and I am sleeping with them at night quite comfortably. 

Recently, as I sat discussing personality tests with someone, I mentioned that on Myers-Briggs I am an ENTJ...loosely translated as mean, cold hearted bitch ( I don't think that it is meant to be that way, it just seems to come across that way at times.) I was asked if I wanted to change that. I don't think I gave a very good answer at the time. I would love to call a re-do. 

No. In this area, I don't want to change. I think the world needs people like me, and we aren't a better place because people are scared of truth and honesty. Because in a world of "oh it is so important to be polite and to not say anything that might upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings" Honesty, even when honesty is hard, is now considered mean and cold hearted. So, that part of who I am I do not want to change. I'm ok with that. 

BUT I do wish that I had more patience. I wish I was less uptight over things that really don't matter. I wish I had more discipline. I wish I didn't get so crabby when I'm tired or hungry. I wish I wasn't quite so cynical. 

About that honesty?  It probably wouldn't hurt if I learned to choose my words more carefully. I wish that when no one is asking for my opinion, I was better at keeping it inside. I hope that I can learn to temper my words and choose them carefully. 

So, I guess I'll keep trying to make myself as I wish to be and try NOT to be angry with others for not doing what I wish they would.... 

I love Miss Britt

I love Miss Britt. She is a badass. She is on a journey. She and her husband have decided to sell their belongings and hit the open road with their kids for a year. In the process, she is discovering what stuff is and isn't. What things in life are important and what things ...aren't.

Right now, she is my goal. I am on a mission. I am getting rid of things. I have too much stuff. I don't need this much stuff.

I'm pretty certain I'm freaking my parents out, but how can I watch as many real estate shows and hoarder shows as I do and NOT find myself wanting to reduce inventory. I am going to spend the next 3 months figuring out just what possessions mean the most to me and that I actually use, and then I am getting rid of the rest. Craig's list...here I come!

I guess I am teaching something

During the snow storm, I discovered that I had trolls. Sounds like some sort of disease, I know. I was talking with my big sister about her blogs (actually she has two blogs, but only one was under attack so to speak.) She had trolls. Someone had come to her site and started going back through the posts writing basically mean stuff. My sister is a researcher at heart. So, she began trying to figure out from where the trolls came. Lo and behold, they came from the last blog post on my old blog that said "Gone."

Four women (I swear they might have made up names) posted. ALL posted mean stuff about me. In fact, one had started her own blog and the only post was a picture of me saying how I tried to steal her husband away...Yeah, cause in addition to every OTHER reason that would never happen, some time during the crapfest 2010 of Sabrina's life, I was out looking for a MAN. sigh.

At any rate, I deleted my one post. My sister then did a post on "Trolls." It was awesome. Part of the awesomeness was due to the fact that the troll is really an idiot. Sis's blog is clearly about developing self awareness and thinking about how she has messed up parenting in the past, and she's learning from it. Perhaps she uses too many big words cause it is obvious the troll, she didn't understand a bit.

Under comments, my sister had given me a shout out because some newspaper had done a poll, and I was runner-up for best teacher in the district. Sure it is a really small district, and sure, I was runner-up to a 1st year 4th grade teacher at one of 5 elementary schools in the district, and yes, it is very likely only 5 people voted. But it was sweet of my sister. The troll wrote a mean comment to the effect, I shouldn't be allowed to teach. That is A LOT of venom to have inside.

A week ago, one of the women sent me a facebook message "Hi." That's it. Nothing else. I ignored it, but it seems like a lot of energy to put into someone when I don't recognize ANY of their names or anything. Who are they???? I was starting to feel a little down. But THEN, one of my editors-in-chief let me see her college essay. It made me cry. She let me attach it. (Mostly because she knows only 5 people read the blog. Hooray for censorship and fear of the machine.) Any way - here you go.

An Unforgettable Character

Perkins: Like you’re mom but worse. She stands 5’4” in her pink sparkly designer Christian Louboutin stiletto heels—a gift from our journalism class last year as a token of our appreciation. Everything about her is asymmetrical; it is no surprise when she stands with her left hand extended, her right hip cocked, with a semi-fisted hand saying, “This is Perkins,” circling that fist with her right hand through at least three revolutions, she continues, “and this is the world…!” All the things my mom tried to teach me are acted out on the journalism stage every day of high school. The starring role is played by Ms. Elizabeth Perkins, my journalism advisor.

Lesson #1: Dress to impress. “Don’t dress like you are going to work on a street corner.” When dealing with inappropriate dress choices, most teachers avoid confrontation by passing the student on to the administration. Not Perkins. She deals directly with each of us, and we are quick to learn what is and is not appropriate attire for school. Because of Perkins, I am increasingly aware of the small range of appropriate clothing in dress—especially when I am relating to teachers or students as yearbook editor-in-chief. She takes her position seriously and demonstrates her self-respect with a flair for fashion by playing the “Diva” role with confidence and aplomb.

Lesson #2: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Perkins never sets herself up as a perfect example—quite the opposite. She always admits when she is at fault and actually wants us to do a better job in respecting authority. Last week, during the school mandatory lockdown drill, Perkins opted to send students out to take pictures of the event. Once again yearbook “is more important than pseudo student safety.” Unfortunately our school resource officer did not agree. He captured Perkins and Company and officiated at our in-class criminal lockdown lasting three days. By letting us in on her escapades, we become comrades in crime with a worthy cause of surviving the school day and publishing our annual yearbook, The Highlander.

Lesson #3: Be good humans. “If there is one thing I want to teach you in this class, it’s how to be good humans.” Last month we had an incident with stolen money from the yearbook fund. Perkins appealed to our sense of humanity and justice by asking for our help. Because she believed and trusted in us, we were successful to use our student web of contacts to find the thief. As she teaches us to be good humans, she models it by standing up for the staff. Recently, an anonymous group of girls created a Twitter account to slander several of us on the staff. Not only was she determined to find these “mean girls”, she was “out for blood.” Her lasting advice about our emerging humanity always mentions the necessity to, “bring each other up with your words, not tear each other down.”

Whether Perkins is delivering a light message on fashion, or a serious message on what it means to be human, the thing that I’m going to remember forever is the delivery itself. She preaches her message with the humorous characterization of a Diva mixed with the high drama of a philosopher. Her obvious lessons are represented by the quotations above, but it is the subliminal undercurrents that I will take with me to college. I want to define my own character by taking risks for the people I lead; laugh not only at others but myself; and most importantly, create a character for my life story who makes people want to be better. Underneath all the bravado, Perkins lets herself be vulnerable so that her students rise up and help her. Her leadership style allows us to feel valuable and needed as we develop mutual empathy. Whether it’s dealing with my college roommate, my professors, or future boyfriends, I know on some level, I will be modeling Perkins, or as she is otherwise known, “The Dallas Diva.”

Unbearable Sadness of Being

Sabrina and I went to see Dr. Murray Tuesday. Technically it was her annual. Dr. Murray said she had been researching options, and all she had seen was stem stell research in California. Yeah, not really an option. We discussed her infections (that would probably only get worse), the constant fight between too firm poo and diarrhea poo. We talked about how she really hated it when I expressed her bladder and that she dripped pee all day every day.

So, Sabrina stood between us, happy and bouncy, and I knew that she really isn't going to get better. And I knew it was just going to get harder and harder for me. So, we decided to just do it. She was a beautiful, happy, loving dog. I hated holding the power of life or death over another creature. I desperately wanted her to live and get better, and I am desperately sad that she is gone.

My students are unbelievably sweet. I've gotten lots of hugs, a coffee cake, flowers and a slurpee.

I'm going to make a video montage, but in the meantime here is a clip from one of her last days. It seems really, really wrong doesn't it?

Well, my goodness

Sometimes, life is just plain weird. This is such a weird little story, but I can't bear to not make a record of it.

1. So, some stranger comments on my sisters blog. Then comments again, again and again. Then comments and says my sister likes to interfere in other people's business the way HER sister does. Well, that is either Monica or me and since Monica can barely work her phone and doesn't blog, we're pretty sure the reference is to me. So, I guess HP mom. Typical. Honestly, what does someone gain by going onto the blog of a stranger and making snide comments? Really?

2. I'm rooting around blogger and I hit my final blog post on the old blog. There are 5 comments. ALL HATEFUL. But strange because they are saying mean things about me, but not really saying anything specific. Except one said that I had a crappy house on some street I've never heard of. AND I don't recognize any of their names, and when I try to look up any info to figure out who their kids are...there is NOTHING that correlates. (Twilight Zone music plays here.)

3. I click on one of the commenter's name and up pops 2 posts on her own blog. 2 exactly TWO. One of which is titled my name and picture... and she says I was trying to steal her husband, huh? If I may say so, it is a great picture of me (from my old blog) and it says I'm an old hag almost 50 with bad hair. Really? Like that IS my good feature. Who is she kidding? And 40 is NOT the new 50.

4. I get a little flustered cause let's admit that is just weird. So I decide it is time to delete the old blog. What do I do? Delete the new blog. Auuuuggghhhh

5. At least an hour of flittering about on the internet trying to get the blog back AND trying not to ball like a baby because I have lost my blog. It's not the worst thing ever because I saved it all in October when I transferred it, but A LOT has happened between October and now. This is my diary for crying out loud. It was going to suck to have lost 3 months of my life because I'm Annie quick draw with the delete finger.

6. I manage to find the "listing" of all my blogs (I appear to do a lot of deleting and starting) it asked me if I wanted to undelete - and bam it came back. Turns out Blogger knows we, the general population, aren't too swift and it gives us 90 days to regret a delete action. Hoorah for Blogger.

7. So part of their ranting was that I shouldn't be Diva because that is a singer and who am I to think I am a Diva. Now, since I originally did it tongue in cheek because no Diva would be as steeped in Shit as I currently am I've decided to keep the Diva although I was thinking I might change the name of the blog just because maybe it is time for a change. . . can't decide. If I change I'll probably go with Lessons from the front because I would like to think I am learning lessons as I go, but who knows.

New Year's Resolution

I had to really go back and search to find where I had written my new year resolutions. I mean I was really ahead of the game, and then, I really fell behind.

**2011 the year of mind, body, environment. 20 minutes a day, for my mind, my body and my environment.

• So, mind - I think will be morning. I'll read my devotional or write meditatively on the blog or both. (Who am I kidding. I am not doing anything that requires brain power in the morning. Let's put this in evening.)
• body - beyond walking the dogs, I will drop them off and then run for twenty minutes minimum. I HAVE to burn calories. (Hmmm, ok, for now, let's just say I am going to get back to walking the dogs every day. I have downloaded Loseit and Imapmyfitness on the iphone. Perhaps between the two I can do a better job of keeping up with what I eat and if I am really exercising with a little help.)
• Environment - I will spend 20 minutes a day keeping up with the house/yard, make the bed, file docs and take care of financials, keeping the place clean, etc. (OK, working on the house is about the only thing I managed to do over the holidays, so I might be able to pull this off. Of course it would all go soooo much easier if I could get Sabrina in better shape. )

Children

My BF and I were discussing how children really can messing up ones ability to plan, a day, a week, an evening. Those with children know how kids get sick, hurt themselves, whatever and suddenly your plans are scrapped.

She paused a moment and said, well, you know what I mean.

Yes, I do.

I was nodding as I watched Sabrina eat her breakfast. Let me amend that. I watched over her food as I kept calling her back to eat breakfast. If I wandered off, Buddy would eat her breakfast. I don't need him to eat a can of pumpkin in the morning. I need her to. And, I need her to FREAKING EAT. Sigh. So, I knew I was about to be late for school. I had told the girls I would be there at 7:15. And I would have been if Sabrina had been cooperating.

Then, about 15 minutes later, I looked down and realized that I had pumpkin across the bottom of my skirt. (I know what you are thinking, no, it was actual pumpkin.) Sabrina eats like a two year old and she gets food all over the stinkin' place, including as it turns out my skirt when she decides to rub against me instead of finishing her food. Sigh.

I can't feel my face.

And, no, I don't mean that metaphorically. I mean it is Friday night. (The last night I sleep on the floor...ever if God grants me this wish.) Because I am old. I mean really old. I know this because I have been moving for it seems like forever and every part of my body hurts. This would include the massage I got this week to get me through the week. Even after the massage I still hurt. Does that mean I would dead from the pain otherwise? I think that is possible.

Yesterday? The day of Thanksgiving, I moved all day. Back and forth, back and forth. I was thankful that I didn't deal with anyone annoying. That was really nice.

I have gotten all of the little random shit out of the house that I can (well, except for the little random shit I will be getting tomorrow.)

I have gotten everything that is in the new place in the right place. Maybe not totally unpacked and ready to go, but in the right room and ready to be ready to go.

I have put up shelves all over the place and I showed up at Bed Bath and Beyond at 6am to get the 20% off on my entire "must have to be organized" list. I never go out on Black Friday. I sure as shit never go out at the crack of dawn. But this year, this year I went out. BBB and Home Depot. That was it. But it was plenty. I've been up a very long time today.

Mimi came by and checked out the old place - I got a thumbs up for "this does not stink of a dog with uncontrollable bladder and bowels." Hooray. She checked out the new place and gave me ideas of how I can control the dog chaos.

She also mentioned that her son has remarked that I never return his calls. Sigh. No energy for you dear, all focused on the dog and the move and survival.

Karla came by to say hi and drop off some stuffing. She saved some for me last year too. Best. Part. of. Thanksgiving. Hands down.

So, if I survive the move tomorrow... then I shall clean on Sunday. And then I will be totally done and out of the old place and good riddance to the dog hating pedophile.

In the meantime I'm going to sit here and hope the feeling returns to my cheeks. And that I don't get feeling to any other part of my body because it all hurts. A lot. Like throbbing hurt. Because I'm old and tired.

Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it. I'm not on happy pills anymore. I didn't have time to go to the doctor. Really. And let's be honest that dr's visit was a couple of laser therapy's for Sabrina. So now it is just me and God against the world. Good company. He might want to help me a little more during TV commercials. They make me cry. A lot. It's embarrassing.

Ok, that's all.

Happy Effin Thanksgiving

Well, technically it is the night before Thanksgiving. Tonight I am sitting in Kirby's drinking cosmo's and happy to not be packing or unpacking. My computer is running painfully slowly which makes me want to hurt someone. I have no internet at home, so I should be grateful for what I can get.

I am sleeping on the floor for the 5th of 7 nights. My back is killing me, but do you know what? No one is yelling at the dogs or me. It is good.

Today? All in all it was a good day.

Today, I wasn't at school. We had 7 proof batches to finish yesterday. My ads managers managed to do 2. By 7pm I decided it was time to call it a night. So, we left. With the batches not done. The good part of being old and having done a job for a long time is that I know it really doesn't matter. I wasn't working, so that was cool. Sure, Monday will be a beating, but what the heck.

Today I discovered that my new next door neighbor? Besides being the most beautiful black woman I have ever met, she's a vet. She likes dogs. Thank you, Sweet Jesus.

Today? I filed a police report for my circular saw and sander. There is a chance that they are just packed and missing, but there is a better chance I left the garage door open as I did stuff and they were stolen. The policeman who took the report was a total sweetheart. He talked to me about making marijuana legal. He was fun, and I'm all for it.

Today, I took Sabrina for her 3rd laser treatment. When we left, she effing JUMPED into the car. Trust me when I tell you, it was a big deal. Please God let her keep healing. I love the fact that we are trying something new and fairly untested, and it is working. IT IS WORKING.

Tonight? I'm grateful for all the things going well in my life. And there is a lot. I'm a lucky girl.

Feeling Zen

What is it about moving that fills me with expectations and a desire to improve myself. Certainly this last move did nothing for me. I never managed to find my groove, get really organized, keep up with my devotionals or really anything. It was a 12 month interim of not accomplishing jack shit.

This move? This move has me filled with hope. Sure, Sabrina is still sick, so my new downstairs will still be an infirmary, BUT it is tile, so it should be easier to keep clean.

The new place has a 3rd bedroom, so I will have an office/craft/sewing/wrapping room. It will be organized, neat and orderly.

The guest room will still have to have my dresser of skivvies and the closet will have my out of season clothes, BUT it will be a lovely guest room used at least once a year when my friend PR comes to stay with me the night before school starts.

The TWO car garage will be organized with my garden tools and work tools. The washer and dryer are in the garage so that will be an organized area too.

I am putting things on Craig's List, and if I can't sell stuff, then I'll give it away. I will not hoard my shit. I will give it away so other people can hoard.

I have to admit, I really thought when I rented this place I had found the smallest kitchen in America, but then I saw the new place, and Eureka, I had found it...an even SMALLER kitchen. Does it get any better than this? NO. It's awesome. I will keep only what I really need, and let's be honest, I am not a big cooker.

In fact, I keep thinking that if my official move date is November 27, and 37 days later I go back to school, then I could give myself 37 days to get unpacked, organized and ready to go.

In the meantime, I, prepare to begin applause, have already figured out what I want my new year's resolutions to be. I am going to share because it is good. No, not unusual, no, won't be a surprise, but still good.

2011 the year of mind, body, environment. 20 minutes a day, for my mind, my body and my environment. Easy right? One hour.

So, mind - I think will be morning. I'll read my devotional or write meditatively on the blog or both.

body - beyond walking the dogs, I will drop them off and then run for twenty minutes minimum. I HAVE to burn calories.

Environment - I will spend 20 minutes a day keeping up with the house/yard, make the bed, file docs and take care of financials, keeping the place clean, etc.

Sorry it's been so long

What can I say? I've been busy.

I continue to map out my packing schedule, so that I don't have to do too much at a time, and I'll be packed well before the Nov 19th move the dogs, cat and self to M & D's date.

So, 12 months after moving the last time, I am moving again. On the plus side, the more I think about the new place the more excited I am about moving. It is going to really serve my needs well for the next two years. I will have to buy a house by November 2012 so I stay under that 3 year marker for tax purposes, but at least I'll stay put for 24 months.

I have worked out where I want everything to go, and what I want to sell. I am having a love affair with Craig's list right now, although I haven't actually sold anything in a couple of weeks. I still love the idea of NOT having a garage sale, but selling the things that can go.

The new place is 3 bedroom. I am beside myself with excitement for a "craft room/office." I can't wait to get the sewing machine out, have a place for the wrapping paper etc and have space for a desk to handle bills etc.

Sabrina and Buddy continue to both be my joys and total pains in the ass.

OK, you are now caught up

Humility lessons are hateful

Interesting how the universe can conspire to teach you the lessons that God wants you to learn. I think God has been talking to me for several weeks now, but I haven't been listening very carefully. Today, he wacked me on the head. Fine. You have my attention.

Recently my sis posted about having to learn humility lessons for herself. I thought at the time, yes, those are hard. I have gotten full of myself from time to time too.

Recently a jogger was killed on the Katy Trail by a bicyclist traveling past her. She turned to go back, and he/she was going too fast? too close? whatever and hit her. A lot of the news stories talked about how she had headphones on. All I could think was what if she didn't, but tripped, would it have been more of the bicyclist's responsibility? And then I thought about how self-righteous so many of our neighborly bicyclists are and that being self-righteous only leads to trouble. Hard to reason with the self-righteous.

Recently, you might remember I started having trouble with my dog hating neighbor again. I have been feeling pretty indignant about the whole thing. In the meantime, some stuff happened at school. I realized a parallel for me is that the morning I let the dogs out at 10:30 because Sabrina had made a mess in the kitchen; I had a choice. I could have left her in the kitchen. Sure it would have been a mess, and I would have been cleaning both dogs, but they wouldn't have been outside to bark. I knew I was being naughty (taking a chance etc), but I did it anyway. I need to accept the part I played in everything that has happened since. I can be self-righteous about the why I let them out or the how infrequently I let them out early or my rights as a citizen, but in the end, I took a chance that they would behave and there wouldn't be a problem, and, well, I crapped out (no pun intended. Oh, who am I kidding? Pun totally intended)

Recently, there were some issues with twitter and students starting anonymous accounts to post mean stuff about other people. There was a comment in a post that indicated a student was on the yearbook staff. I told my students that the yearbook person needed to come forth and speak to me about it. No one did. So much for my influence and teaching them the importance of being honest about having made mistakes.

Oh, and the school issue? A little confusing, but let me see if I can sum it up. DELETED COURTESY OF CENSORSHIP I SUPPOSE. (OK, to put back- an organization at the school wanted to participate in a "senior only" thing at school that their sponsor told them not to do. They started to do it anyway, she told them again, then again. the long and the short of it is that they disobeyed their sponsor. I think they knew they were being naughty, and they didn't think they would get in trouble. But they did, and they were PISSED about having the book thrown at them by their sponsor. And, that again the lesson of taking responsibility for oneself has been lost.

So, I'm in a funk. I am not loving my job right now. I am disappointed in myself for getting such a big head when I very clearly shouldn't, and I am trying to focus on my new behavior plan.

I made a list of Rules to Work by to remind myself of my place in this little world. It might be overkill, but I think I need to keep my mouth shut and lay low for a good long while. I'm tired of finding myself looking like an idiot in front of the principal.

1. Keep your opinions to yourself.

2. "You might be right" is a magical phrase. (Learned this one from BFF. Great way to end a conversation that is going nowhere quickly.)

3. Document, document, document. I happen to be dealing with a highly litigious portion of society. Probably a good idea to keep good records.

4. It's not your business, so don't ask questions. (Maybe if I wouldn't be such a nosy Nelly I wouldn't feel a need to then share my opinions.)

5. Tell the truth, but remember everyone lies. Got this one from House. It's true.

6. If you make a mistake, admit it. Immediately. I already do this one, but it is a good one to remember anyway.

7. Be mindful of whom you trust. Goes along with the others. I need to keep my mouth shut. Everyone doesn't have my best interests at heart. Most have their own.

8. Be calm. Make your point; then shut up. I talk too much and I know it. I don't need to beat a point in the ground or raise my voice to make a point. State what my expectation is and end the discussion.

9. Keep your head down and get your work done. It's called flying under the radar. Try it.

10. Remember there is always someone looking for an opportunity to get you in trouble. Do NOT give it to them. (Got this one just yesterday from another teacher. She said that she always tries to remember that no matter how much she thinks her kids love her, there is always one that doesn't and will tell their parents if she does something she shouldn't.)

Be grateful you h ave a job. Lots of people don't.

OK, so there they are. I'm going to put them in front of me. I don't think my job is going to be as much fun for a while, and it is really going to be hard to be the professional that could be filmed in the classroom all day, but that is my new goal. I'm on a reality show 24/7 and how will what I do look on TV. YIKES.

How I learned I'm stressed

So, it is completely obvious that I am at full capacity a la stress level and any more than the current level turns into the tipping point of insanity.

I knew the PSAT was coming up and as always I would be administering it, but I managed to put it in the back of my mind until late Tuesday night.

I got to school yesterday morning right at 7 so that I could try to make an arrangement for someone to take my place for an hour at 10 so I could run home and take care of Sabrina.

I approach the lady in charge of testing and an AP and she tells me everyone is in use...AP suggests one of the other APs because he has to do the AV for senior presentations.

Then I can't find the other APs. I go back and ask how is EVERYONE in use if we are only giving the PSAT to 10th graders... The other grades were in groups for other types of presentation.

I call one of the "extras" in the other groups that the AP tells me could help me out. She says I don't think I can because we are doing group work or something." Stress level rising.

I find another AP who says its not that I don't want to help you but why can't one of the other APs help you? At which point... in the front of the building...with large numbers of people milling about...I started sobbing as I crossed the hall.

The new principal, thank you very much, sees me trying to get into an office so he comes to unlock the door. I call the BFF..still sobbing...hysterical sobbing. God bless her, I know she thinks I'm nuts and precariously close to jumping off a cliff. She then works to calm me down.

The front receptionist comes in. (Luckily she knows what's going on and is an absolute animal lover. She gets me tissue, a bottle of water and tlc.

Principal walks in. She tells him the deal since I start crying again. Yes, I have no doubt he thinks I am a total nut job. I told him (while sobbing, of course) that I didn't realize how much stress i'm under until something happens. I know it's not life or death but I don't understand why if everyone is in groups no one can even check in on my kids since there is another monitor in the room anyway...It seemed like such a little thing but it was a wall of "I can't help."

So, that is how I got confirmation that I am really, really stressed out.

NaBloPoMo writing prompt

Why am I choosing to respond to this? Well, because my other choice is to actually work on the stuff that I have promised will be turned in TUESDAY. Oh, and that I have done nothing with so far. So, I still have plenty of time, and not enough pressure yet to actually get me busy writing on that.

The prompt is what is the first thing you notice when you meet a man/woman. Hmm, interesting.

I think this is an interesting question because it ties into my recent contemplations regarding Honesty. As in everyone says they want honesty but people don't seem to be comfortable being honest. Also, I think there are things we have convinced ourselves are not ok to say, for instance, "The first thing I notice is his ass."

Honesty. We all say we want honesty, but I have to ask, do we really? As a society, have we trained our loved ones and friends to lie to us? When a girl asks her guy, "Does this make my butt look big?" Is she really looking for an honest answer? Have we so trained our friends to not be honest with us? That is a totally depressing thought. I pray that I have friends that will be honest with me. That will tell me when an outfit isn't my best, that will let me know when I'm in the middle of making an ass out of myself, and that will look me in the eye and say you are screwing up when I am.

In the dating world, I am trying to be understanding that guys are scared to be truthful with girls. To say they don't want to go out again, to say they like you but not that much. What must they fear? Our crazy reactions? Crying? Screaming? Feeling guilty for hurting someone's feelings? Personally, I would so much rather have someone be honest with me than anything else.

First thing we notice. I HATE when people say the first thing they notice is anything other than PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS. Cause they are full of shit. Unless you are blind, you can't help but notice the physical cause you really can't notice someone's intellect or sense of humor on first LOOK. Let's just say it: we notice physical. Maybe we notice butts or hair or eyes or pecs, but we notice what people look like. It just is the truth.

Now, I will say that many, many years ago, I went to a bar with my cousin (and one of my very favorite people). I was googly eyed for the DJ. My cousin told me to look at the way he was talking to the people. That he wasn't being very nice. It was a good lesson. Beautiful people can be ugly inside and ugly people can be surprisingly attractive because they are such good people.

My friend, PhD, was asking me about what I am looking for in a man these days. I have to tell you. I have no idea. I know in my 20's I had a pretty damn long list. These days, it is pretty short.

I want honesty; no matter how hard that is to find. I want someone who is honest. And who thinks I'm funny. Ok, it would be cool if they were funny too. And they need to be good with money. Not necessarily rich (sure, I'd like to win the lottery, but let's face it, if I was really after money, I would have snagged someone by now, I am way pickier than that), but they do have to be able to balance a checkbook. We know I suck with money, and it's best if at least one person in any relationship can count. That's all I'm saying. I'm not sure if I can even come up with anything else.

I know there are things that are important that I'm not thinking about. So, you my friends, need to help guide me. Help me think about what really matters in a relationship. What am I not remembering that is important?

P.S. If you don't answer, I'll assume you so enjoy my disasters in dating so much you can't bear to help guide me and make dating easier!!

OK After going to dinner with my friend AP, I've realized I forgot faith. I definitely want someone who will go to church with me, and compentent. I'm not saying he has to make a ton of money but he needs to be competent at whatever he does career wise. Sounds like a no brainer, but I'm adding it anyway.

I am a pixie I mean something else

There I said it. I am frustrated and my feelings are hurt and when Mr. P finally calls, I'm too much of a pxssy to say anything.

I am totally disgusted with myself. I mean, what is wrong with me? How it is possible? I am a grown woman. I am independent. I have a job. I have self-confidence. I believe in myself. I am woman, hear me effin roar. BUT, BUT I can't manage to say to someone, hey, my feelings were hurt when you did this. How pathetic am I?????

At least I did say that I wasn't going up to the lake tomorrow. Big deal. I'm dying to go, and it means I'm not going to see him one more day, so really I am denying myself, but I didn't want to go by myself. (The vision in my head is that he gives me directions, I get lost, I get pissed, I'm cranky when I get there, he says WTF and we are done, so just best not to go, another weekend perhaps.)

Why is it so difficult? Why is talking to someone so hard? Why is dating so hard? Honestly, I have to tell you that if things don't work with Mr. P, I am not dating anyone else for a while.

At any rate, so I have got to gird my loins, get some courage, and talk to him. I think I need to go take a Tums. Maybe two.

Valentine's Day, Marriage and Dogs

No, no, unwad your panties. They aren't as connected as you think.

So, with the recent passing of Valentine's Day, I have once again been faced with the gentle reminder that I'm really not a pro dater as it were. I actually have made it past 3 dates so few times that I don't even know what appropriate dating behavior is. Like what counts as normal behavior for a guy. (For instance, the first two weeks, the toilet seat was always down. It made me happy. I found a guy that always put the toilet seat down. Total crock. Now it's down to about 50% of the time.)

In addition, making it to almost two months was so very exciting that I went a wee overboard in the gift giving department for Valentine's Day. Well, first I got a good gift, then I thought of something better. Now, luckily I kept the first one (ok, it was a gift certificate, so it worked out I could use it ; ) because although he was very appreciative, let's just say the grocery store flowers, not quite equal to what I got him. Clearly, it is not as big of deal to hit 7 weeks as it was for me. I like the flowers, they were sweet, but still a casual, nice to know you but I'm not investing too much into this cause let's face it, this is still a new relationship kind of message.

On the other hand, we went out the night before, and he made etouffe for me Sunday, which I must add was totally delicious. So, that was very sweet, right?

This then leads to my friend, PR's, comment that dating for me is like age for dogs - you have to multiply by 7 to appreciate the true length of time so to speak. Cause really, this is probably like a year to most people. I am totally impressed with myself that this has lasted this long. And, I'll admit, fairly often I think, yeah, this isn't gonna last much longer.

Today, I finally opened my mail from Saturday. Included in the mail was an absolutely adorable "save the date" for a friend's daughter's wedding. She's 19. Adorable. Boy? Adorable. Wedding party? Adorable. And yet, the cynic in me thinks, good grief, everything is stacked against them these days. How in today's world of "you have to be happy" and "don't take that girl" and get a divorce when things don't go well, are they going to manage to get married and STAY married?

I will say that they were going to have a destination wedding, but I am so glad that they aren't. I hope that all of the people that show up for that wedding remember how important the part each person plays is. We will all have an obligation to help these two very young, very in love people to stay married. Ugh. The pressure.

At any rate, back to me. As things progress with Mr. Potential, I mostly think things are going well. We have fun, we enjoy each other's company. I'm still a little worried about a lack of excitement regarding Sabrina and Buddy, but I can't totally blame him for that. ( I came home yesterday to discover the towel I put on one of the chairs to protect it from their muddy little feet was ripped into shreds. Victim of the let's destroy shit game they so love to play.)

Sigh. This dating thing is tough. That's all I'm really saying.

Pooh Bear and such

A few years ago someone gave me a Winnie-the-Pooh calendar. It came with stickers, such as "a Busy Day" and "a Lazy Day", "a Cleaning Day" and "a Hummy Day." Then there are the times when you need a smackeral of something, and times when you are feeling like a bear of very little brain. I'm thinking of making my twitter updates a la Pooh Bear.

He likes to keep things under 140 characters. For instance,"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"

I've also contemplated having a sign at the front of the classroom. A warning, of sorts, to the children. "A Cranky Day" or "Pls don't ask stupid questions" day (Oh, please, yes, there are stupid questions.) I'm not sure if my precious darlings would choose to pay attention to the sign though. They have a tendency to just push onward ignoring all signs of warning.

I thought today would be a So-So day, but I looked at my calendar and realized, no, it will be a Busy Day. Sigh. Busy days are tricky. Because not only do I have a lot on MY list to do, but they usually come with the children asking many, many questions and having many needs to be met. By the end of Busy Days I am usually quite exhausted and ready for a Sleepy Night. I already looked around the room and realized today is also going to be a Cleaning Day. The place is a mess, and I usually have to stand over them all day barking commands to get them to clean properly. This is where I add the snide remark about children raised with maids comes in 'cause I'm telling you, some of these kids do NOT know how to clean.

In addition, I am trying to get things done around the room that require others. So my friend, Daisy is going to come by to help with the computers (I hope) and my Building Engineer friend is going to send some one to help me rearrange stuff on the walls so that the big window between Blondie and I is visible. (This is a very long story in and of itself, and it is worth of its own post which it shall get, just not today.)

Tomorrow Mr. Potential comes back, so I feel confident it will be a Hummy Day with Excitement on the side. I will try to not let it become a so busy that the Diva is very Cranky Day. Of course, if I am feeling out of sorts it might just be that I am feeling a little Eleven O'Clockish and it is time for a some honey . . . and afterwards I will feel much better and happy Diva like.

So, today will be a Busy Day, not a Doing Nothing day. And tomorrow is sure to be a Hummy Day and so is Friday now that I think about it. How is your day looking?

Feeling a wager coming on . . . ,

So, things are progressing nicely with Mr. Potential. He kicks ass. We are 3 weeks in and things are quite delightful. He's out of town for the next week, so I am feeling very confident that I can make a month. But let's be honest, long term relationships are not exactly my strong suit. And by long term I mean more than a couple of weeks, so clearly, we are all thinking that I should screw this up some time soon. Of course, Valentine's Day and my bday are coming up, so I'm totally going to be on my best behavior for the next couple of weeks. On the other hand, once I get the itch to run, I tend to run no matter what's coming up. Lord knows there are many avenues by which this could go up in flames. So, since I know you are already trying to figure out how this is going to crash and burn, here are the best bets in no particular order.

1. Sabrina and Buddy. He has met them, but they have not spent time together. As in, "Yes, those are big badly behaved dogs, now let's go to dinner." Although I have already put it out there that if the dogs are a deal breaker, he should tell me now rather than later because we are, as they say, a package deal, he says he doesn't think that they are that bad. HA. Perhaps I need to arrange a little quality time for them to be together.

2. Weird things don't happen to him. And I, as you know, am not normal. Most of my life is lived in chaos. Somewhat controlled chaos, but still chaos. Things go wrong. Often. Yesterday, I looked down and realized I was wearing navy hose. . . with a black skirt. The black skirt it turns out was missing a button, so that meant that the zipper kept falling down. (I actually can't swear to that corollary, but it's my blog, so that's my story.) I'm pretty sure these types of things don't happen to him. Well, sure, partly because I'm hoping he refrains from wearing hose and skirts, but also because I just don't think these things happen to him.

Earlier this week I arrived at school and started spazzing. I was missing my keys to the building and a deposit bag full of money. I was FREAKING. By the middle of the day we had found the bag of money (sitting by a computer, but I am telling you I didn't move it, damn thing grew legs and walked.) One of the editors thought it would be in the pocket of the coat I had worn the day before. I was so freaked I sent another editor to check. Sure enough, they were there. (The editor that went to the house went ahead and picked up the knife the dogs were eating and put it on the counter.) When I got home that afternoon I realized that she hadn't given me my keys back. Sigh. That was a whole nother messaroonie.)

3. He is neat and orderly. His house (did I mention how cute his house is? He had it built, and he has taste!) is clean. Always. Everything has a place. My house? Not so much. I'm pretty certain if he spent any length of time at my house he would break out in hives. Of course, I don't want to spend any time at my house currently because it is FREEZING since I can't actually afford heat. He can afford heat. Which of course leads me to

4. He has money. As in, he knows how to count and he saves money and spends wisely. As in he will probably flip his shit when he realizes he is dating a total numnut with no ability to count and a nice little debt she'll be paying off for quite some time.

5. He is a rational, concrete, sequential, logical guy. I, as you know, am not. See 2. Weird stuff happens to me. Rational, concrete, sequential, logical guys don't tend to know what to do with a girl that has such weird shit happen all. the. time.

6. He is totally gregarious and enjoys people. I have discovered that as the years go by, I don't like people. They annoy the hell out of me. On the up side, this allows me to primarily sit quietly and allow the noise and voices to flow around me without actually contributing that much, but long term, could be a train wreck. He likes everyone. Everyone likes him. He might actually want someone who is a little more chatty Cathy with strangers and such. I just don't have that kind of energy anymore.

7. Freaky Diva raises her head and I spaz about something totally stupid and minor and walk away (scratch that RUN) so that I don't get my heart crushed later. . . yeah, this one has my money.

Please note: this was actually written on Wednesday. I've just been a little busy and possibly distracted.

What is it about New Year's Eve that makes us so reflective? Why aren't we more reflective on our birthdays? (with an ugly one approaching, I'm certain to be more reflective this year than most.)

What about Easter? For those that go to church, this should be a biggie. The Easter resolution has to be one worthy of someone dying for our sins. Those would be serious resolutions, none of these wimpy, gonna lose weight and find a man bullshit.

As a teacher, August is always a good time to reflect on how I want this school year to be different from any other. I will be calmer, more organized, etc, etc, etc. I will stretch the kids more. I will use technology more.

But here I sit, New Year's Eve watching my comforter circle about as I hang at Soapy's, my local Laundromat, thinking about what I want for 2010. Obviously this list includes bedding that doesn't smell like dog. I'd probably be closer to achieving this one if I actually kept the dogs off the bed, but then what fun is that??

I look back, and I think I have to ask myself if I am getting closer to enlightenment and becoming the person I want to be or not? Hard to tell sometimes.

If I were to be succinct, I would say I resolve to be the person God wants me to be in every area of my life, but I think we all know I'm more verbal than that.

I think I have been amazingly lucky in my lifetime in friendships. Friends are the family we choose. I am surrounded by people that support me and help me be a better person. My goal is to be the friend that all of these people have been to me.

Family. Oh, what can I say? The beginning and end of so many insecurities, fears, pain and hurt. They can raise me up and bring me crashing down. We each have our own M.O. for handling the family dynamics and entangling webs. Refusal to engage in the family dynamic but throwing oneself into the woes and lives of people never met? We've got that. A true Scarlett O'Hara, refusing to acknowledge and face problems? Forcing others to swallow whole whatever is eating them up? We've got that too. Total indifference and minimal communication with the family? check, check. This is an area I could make several resolutions, but it is a dangerous minefield. Perhaps turning 40 and dealing with family dynamics is a mistake. This one might hold.

Romance. Well, hmmm. It's been quite a year in that category. Who knew that I'd hit my stride this late in the game? I've gotten to meet all types. I've gotten to face the truth that "never married" doesn't mean "no luggage." I let one man screw me up and leave me with way more baggage than I should have. But, I've also gotten closer to knowing I'm OK with me. By myself or with someone else, I'm OK.

To be honest, I'm still excited that a week before New Year's Eve, I met a guy, with Potential. Smart, funny, thinks I'm sexy, makes me feel special, cooks for me and a really good guy. Will it go somewhere? I hope so. I also hope my super freaky, don't want to lose control insecure self doesn't jump ship and run. Cause I think that side is at war with the side that knows she deserves a really great guy. On the other hand, dating has provided much of the fodder for this blog. Not sure how entertaining I'll be if I get into a boring relationship...screw it, you people are on your own ; )

Reduction of inventory: (That's what my friend, Pam, used to call it when she got rid of stuff. I'd like to add that frequently involved bringing stuff to me to inherit.) Selling my house made me sad, no doubt about it. Mostly because it was a true home with neighbors I loved, and it just made me happy. But selling the house, well, it was also freeing. As I look around at the "stuff" I have collected through the years, I am realizing it is time to for me to start letting go. I am taking advantage of the wonders of the Internet and my friend, Craig to sell as much as I can. I'll have an old fashioned garage sale in the spring.

This place is small so I have to make hard choices about what is important in my life and what isn't (at least "stuff" wise) I'm starting to really dig letting go. I hope 2010 leaves me a leaner more streamlined Diva.

The Temple (aka the body people). As you might have surmised, I'm unable to look beyond the big bday especially as I begin to deal with doctors visits, and the pains and aches that seem to come with getting older. I made some big decisions a few years ago based on my desire to change my way of life as I approach middle age. I don't regret any of my choices. Losing the gall bladder did more to straighten up my eating choices than any decisions I made (something about not being able to eat FAT without suffering terribly does that), but even with the problems, that's worked out nicely. I suggest gall bladder removal for everyone, but word on the street is that it doesn't always work as a diet method. Lots of people have cooperatives livers that take over immediately and happily all gall bladder duties.

I began working out a month ago, and I'm pretty sure if it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger and put me in better shape than I've been in my entire life. I'll have to have a special blog post on that. It's walking distance from house, so that should help tremendously on the stick with it front.

Finances. Damn them. They always make the list. Selling the house put me on the right path and took a huge amount of stress and pressure off of me. I've streamlined, made some changes and, if I can stay focused, I'll move much closer to being debt free.

Well, now I'm watching the comforter circle in the dryer. I hope 2010 brings good things for me and you. All five of you. . . hahahahahah

Ramblings on Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas everyone!

What can I say? Left to my own devices, I ramble. I'm sitting in my red velvet chair looking out the back window at the yard as it fills with snow. A fairly unusual sight in my part of the world, and I've gotten to watch it snow twice this December. This one is more of an icy snow with high winds, so not quite as enchanting as the first.

I've been working diligently this week emptying my storage units and trying to fit all of my crapola in the house. It's not really working. I look at each item and contemplate its value as well as the chances of selling it on Craig's list or in a garage sale . . . all I can say is a lot of my prized possessions are going to find themselves on the auction block. This is about to be the season of reducing inventory.

I have to say I am pleased with the way the year ended. Well, mostly. I am renting (not as magical as I thought it would b) but I ask you where were all of my damn friends when I was waxing poetically about what I was certain were the joys of renting vs. owning??? In the land of keeping their mouths shut, that's where.

I like the house, it is small, but it is a great location. Walking distance to lots of places to eat (important since I STILL don't have a working stove), 7-eleven and the magical slurpees, my new work-out place and a dry-cleaners.

I also like that it is new and warm. Even when the heat isn't on it is a good 20degrees warmer than my former abode. And the bathtub? Well, the bathtub is to die for. FABULOUS!!

I think it will do me good to settle in, work on reducing debt, not spend money on a house or stuff for a while and simplify in general.

Remember my friend, Jim? As I reflect on the year, I find myself thinking about how my social life has improved 10-fold from knowing him. Beyond the fact that he is an excellent movie companion, he has these great dinners that I get invited to regularly. They are mostly dinners for his neighborhood pals, but he is kind enough to let me come anyway. I might add, he has great neighborhood pals.

I went to a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago at his neighbors across the street. If I could find a way to take photos of the W's house without being a total stalker, I would do it. They are minimalists, with money, and a great 1950's circa art deco style house. Lots of windows and cool furniture. Of course their party was fabulous, cause people that cool have to have fabulous parties, don't cha' know.

Fun side note, while there I chatted up with other neighbors (equally as cool, no wonder I couldn't find a house there when I was looking, clearly my cool quotient isn't high enough yet!) At any rate, Big D asks me if it is weird that people I don't realize are reading my blog are reading my blog. . . hmm I think, no because I'm pretty certain there are only 5 people reading the damn thing and I'm related to 4 of them.

(Quick side note, as I write this Fergie's Glamorous Life has just come on . . .as it begins Sabrina begins to howl. I love that song and the damn dog is adding her own soundtrack. Geez)

Back on topic, Big D tells me he actually reads the blog ?what? turns out last time I saw him I threw out what the blog was, and son-of-a-bitch he remembered the address and went to it. Cracks me up. Now I have to think about the fact that before he might have suspected I'm a total nut job but now he KNOWS I am. At any rate, I say hats off to you Big D for sticking with it. Once I start dating again, I'm sure things will improve. . .which brings me to what I shall fondly refer to as Suicide watch 2010. (Only slightly tongue in cheek cause let me assure you I am TOTALLY traumatized by the fact I turn FORTY in February.)

It hurts me to even type it. Yes, I realize there are many people older than that who might or might not have been traumatized by their own turning of 40. Trust me when I tell you I am beside myself. Many reasons for that which I'm certain I will reguritate about at some point, just not now.

Oh, yeah, back to Jim. So, last night he had one of his dinners. He had to set up two big long tables for everyone. It was so much fun. Everyone is interesting and fun, and it is like a great big family. Without a doubt, I am very grateful for Jim.

I have more rambling to do, but I'm about to have my very special mac and cheese Christmas dinner. Yummy. So, maybe more tomorrow. . .