Monday, January 16, 2012

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time. That joke keeps running through my mind. Mainly because survival after breaking up is a total misery. I've broken it into bits. If I can just make it through this day. Then if I can just make it one week.

I think about him every day. Things happen and I think I can't wait to tell the Air Marshall and then there is a moment when I remember that I'm not going to get to talk to him. Or something funny happens and I think that he would think it was really funny too.

I went back through my posts and realized that the posts although totally infrequent are a lot like life in general. We don't talk about the good, we just focus on the bad.

I've always thought the problem w/ dating/marriage etc and friends is that really the only time we talk about our significant others is when something is wrong so the people around us get this totally skewed view of our relationships.

Because for me, the things that I really miss are the 5 am phone calls when he's on his way to work and I'm still half asleep talking about the day or what happened the day before or what we hope to do when we see each other next. The 10 pm phone calls when we are both falling asleep but talking about how we can't wait to be together and actually get to fall asleep in each others arms every. single. night.

I'm missing the sweet things he would say to me whenever we talked like how much he valued me and appreciated me. He told me he loved me all of the time, and that he couldn't believe how amazing I am. I've never dated anyone that made me feel so good about myself.

We would have conversations about what we wanted to do in the future and what we liked and didn't like and places we wanted to go. We laughed at each others jokes, we had similar views on a ton of subjects. We just gelled really well together.

When we were together (and I admit the times were few), it was magic. We just fit together so well. We would talk for hours. It was special because the time was so short, and because we were able to totally focus on each other.

That's the stuff that no one heard. Let's be honest, no one wants to hear all the gushy stuff. So they didn't hear about it. All people heard about was the frustration of being far about and not getting to talk as much as I wanted. The troubles with being a woman in my 40s dating someone long distance with two kids. The problems with dating a male. Quite frankly, any male because let's be honest. Men are a pain in the ass. They think differently from women and they don't see lots of things the same way.

I am going to survive one day at a time. Then one week at a time, then one month at a time. And I'm not going to talk about him or cry in public or call him even when I am tired and lonely. But, I will think about him every day multiple times a day. And I will cry just not in public. And I will desperately want to talk to him and hear his voice and want him to call me. Even though, I won't pick up the phone. One. Bite. At. A. Time.

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