Monday, January 16, 2012

And then you have to tell your friends

Breaking up is bad enough, but telling friends is a beating of its own. There's a lot you can learn about people just from their reactions to hearing about a break up. Certainly the last couple of weeks have been hard as I run into people who I haven't seen and friends start finding out that the Air Marshall and I have broken up.

"He wasn't right for you." Really? How exactly do you know that....having never met him and all? Hell, even if they had met him, how would they know that? I don't even know where that comes from.

"You should wait for a guy that won't let anything get in his way from seeing you." That's my favorite really...cause unless he steps out of a Disney fairytale...Are you fucking kidding me? We are grown ups, in the real world, and in our 40's living 5 states apart. Life is a pain in the ass and lots of stuff gets in the way. And really, I've never met a man who rolls that way. What the hell TV are these girls watching???

We all have different deal breakers, and I've said before it is amazing what other women are willing to put up with in a relationship while they look at you and say, "I can't believe you put up with that." I mean if a man is physically abusive or crushing a girl's spirit...done. Everyone should raise their voices to the rafters and stop that mess. After that, isn't it about personal preference? What are your deal breakers? What can you put up with forever? Does he bring you up or pull you down? Does me make you smile or cry? It's different for everyone.

In general (yes, my opinion), men are a pain the in the ass. They are needy and dense, and quite often they just don't get girls. But when we find one that makes us laugh and GETS us. That is something pretty impressive. When we find a guy that loves us and makes us feel good about ourselves, that is amazing. When we find a guy that has the same goals and dreams and wants to make a life with us, that is fantastic. So what if they annoy us and frustrate us upon occasion? Are you going to look me in the eye and say you found the one guy that DOESN'T ever annoy you or frustrate you 0r do things that you find baffling? I'm gonna have to call bullshit on that.

But then there are the friends that just said, "I am so sorry." And asked questions like, "Are you ok?" "How do you feel about it?" Things like that.

The ones that understand and get it.

I mean let's be honest. Yes, I am amazing. But I am also difficult, cranky and high maintenance. I am funny (although not everyone appreciates my humor), smart (and trust me when I tell you this is not a good thing in the dating world) and opinionated (also not so great in dating.)

I have huge food issues, and I like to go to bed at 9. I love the people I love, but I don't really like most people. So to find someone who likes me....loves me....loves all my quirks and funny habits, thinks I'm funny and doesn't mind that I'm smart (hell, he liked and respected it) ...that is someone special.

And I liked him. He didn't annoy me. He made me laugh, and he made me feel good. His voice warmed my soul. Liking guys is a lot harder than loving them if you asked me. And I did both, but I really liked him, as a person and as a man.

And all that to say, the end of relationships like death and other horrible events really just requires friends to say, "I'm sorry, and I'm here."

The presumption that someone knows someone else's relationship, it's probably a mistake. Because you are making judgments on minimal information at best. The information that absolutely says the least about a relationship and a person.

And the part that is totally exhausting? The casual references people make to dating and finding another guy and how much better I could do. Makes me want to laugh in their faces. Cause the people that talk about dating and finding another guy? They are all married. For a long, long, time. They don't know shit about dating.

Just thinking about dating makes me want to weep. If I were on my old blog, I would make references to multiple previous posts (resurrected- one, two, three) when I wrote about my many suckass dates. I would talk about a. how I never meet anyone (career choice not best for "dating") b. how signing up for a dating service is paying money to constantly be "job interviewing" guys to be my next date...cause doesn't that sound like a lot of fun? I could talk about the anger when they get mad because I tell them I'm not interested in going out again.

I would reference how much I hate having to explain the whole no gall bladder thing and my troubles eating. Going out to eat and trying to figure out what I can order on the menu or how can I tell this guy that I really can't eat the food I just ordered.

And I'm not saying stay with a guy just so I don't have to date or put up with a guy that treats me poorly so that I have someone. I'm saying that when a relationship ends, it sucks. And the stupid shit people say is just stupid shit.

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