My next project

Yeah, I know. I don't have enough going on. My friend, PR, moved to a new house. Amazingly enough, at 30plus minutes from work, she'll be a lot closer!!

The house brand spankin new though it is, is smaller. So, I got to inherit a couple of pieces! The first has been in her garage story tennis equipment and such. I saw it ages ago and began my coveting.

I knew it could make a smashing liquor cabinet. It's been so long, I've actually attempted to buy a couple of other cabinets to turn into a liquore cabinet, but none of them quite did it for me. So, I finally gave up and just waited patiently for the MOVE, so then it would be mine.

As a quick side note, they hired off duty firement. Oh. My. I say. Oh. My. As much as I love the movers that have moved me every single time...I'm pretty good at packing my shit up at this point, and those firemen were delightfully good looking. How they managed to get my new items in the car is beyond me. In addition, it brings home my concerns about what type of car I should get next, I love convertibles, but the SUV is very useful.

My plan is to find two thin mirrors to place on the doors. I also hope to paint it silver.  It shall become a most fabulous bar...hopefully without the dog crates to the left.

Then inside I would love to find some cool wallpaper to paper the whole thing. I've already removed the wardrobe hook at the top, and it had two hooks at the bottom that I've removed.

 I've found a wine storage unit that can fit in the cabinet, but I will have to cut a bit of the back to make room for the two inches. Then I can add shelves above the wine storage and to the left.

I also got a dresser that is now under my TV. I wish it were darker, but it matches the chest next to it. Of course, I've been staring at the chest for months trying to decide what to do with it...

I like the lines on the dresser a lot, but I kinda want to paint it... decisions, decisions.

I have a confession

I haven't washed my hair in a week. And it feels gross. Let me be clear. It. Feels. Gross. But I am so damn tired when I get home, that I don't have the energy to wash it. I'm going to wash it tonight. I really am. But at the moment I am sitting here dog tired, ready for bed. At the same time it has been weeks since I blogged, and it has really been bothering me. I think of things all of the time to write about, and then I'm too tired or too busy or I just freaking forget.

I was in NYC for a week with students on a journalism trip. I hate washing my hair in hotel showers for many reaons, but mostly because I never know if the water pressure will be enough to get the soap out of my hair. 

I got back and I have worked my ass off since. It is ridiculous to work 10 - 12 hours a day. In addition, my brother and his family came to town (a surprise visit if you ask me since my mom says she found out last week. whole nother story there.)  I went to the parentals last night.  

I need to get ahead of the long list of shit I have to do. I'm not sure of how I am going to do that, but I know I need to. That's the first step right? Ug. Not sure this weekend is going to do anything for helping me get ahead because I'm full up this weekend too, but maybe I can get something done. I don't know, say my taxes. dammit. 

Side note: the dogs are nuts. And they all want to touch me at night and to be honest they make it hard for me to sleep because they allow for NO movement. 

When is the fun?

I have spent most of this week working on the real estate book. For those of you who have been paying attention, I spent most of Christmas break working on the same thing. I have literally not gotten dressed multiple days in a row, spending 16 hours on the computer typing madly.

The good news, of course, is that I have made serious progress. My poor friend PR still must do an impressive amount of editing to get it publication ready, and I haven't even begun the cleaning up the design portion of my work, but I'm getting closer.

I still have a couple of things I need to do for school. (Of course, I postpone those for as long as I can.)

Today, I am finally getting to do something fun. I'm meeting up with my friend, Colleyville. I love her. She makes me want to be a better person, and she's big fun. Also, she's a hellova designer, so I get to pick her brain about ideas for the house.

I meet with The Boys tomorrow morning, so I pretty much need to have my act together. Then I'll be on the final 48 hours of the week having accomplished almost nothing on my list. It's almost demoralizing.

Oh, and if I don't get my act together soon, I'm never going to get to study for the real estate exam and take the stupid thing.

Thomas Kempis, Have you heard of him?

Yeah, I hadn't either. And yet, the other day when I was distraught that someone wasn't doing things the way I thought they should, my sister pulled out this Thomas Kempis quote... 

"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."  

Oh Thomas, you medieval monk you! How wise your words are, and yet how very difficult to keep that perspective. 

I knew as soon as I heard them that they would require a blog post. How often does it happen that we have expectations of how someone else should be behaving and when they fail to meet our expectations, we are upset? For me, probably much more often than I should allow it to happen. I know better. I've been in this world long enough to know that expecations cause more trouble than almost anything else. 

Now, as an aside, I will say when I tell a child to specifically do something and she fails to do it, well, she is making her own bed. And she gets to deal with those consequences of making me angry. I might have had an expecation, but I made sure she knew the expectation. 

AND, when I lay out my expectations for others, I would like to think it is reasonable to expect them to meet those expectations or to tell me why that is not going to happen. Hell, just tell me it is not going to happen. Because I think then they lay their expecations out for me, it is reasonable to expect me to meet those expectations or at the very least to be sure the other person knows I can't meet them. 

Because a lot of problems could be aleviated if people would just communicate. Talk. Say "I don't understand" or "this is what I need" or "you must go away right now." What has happened that it is so difficult for people to communicate? What is the fear? What is the concern? Why choose not to communicate? 

Somehow we are living in a world in which we've decided it's better to slink off rather than deal with any difficulties or unpleasantness, we try to avert trouble by dodging it rather than dealing with it and moving on. We choose to come to conclusions that may or may not be supported by fact and then we act without every communicating those conclusions or verifying their veracity.  We live in a world that is making me slightly insane. 

I admit it. I don't like it. I would so much rather deal with people that are honest and straightforward. I would rather hear the bad news and deal with the problems than KNOW there is a problem but not be able to do ANYTHING about it because no one is talking about it.  It's exhausting.  

And lest you think I was ignoring the second part of that quote let me go on... I think one of my greatest struggles is dealing with who I am versus who I want to be. I am very aware of my shortcomings, many though they may be. In fact, I've been amused more than once by someone telling me of a shortcoming in a fashion that indicates I might not know about it. Oh, I know about them. I struggle with them. One or two I've just grown to accept. They are my shortcomings and I am sleeping with them at night quite comfortably. 

Recently, as I sat discussing personality tests with someone, I mentioned that on Myers-Briggs I am an ENTJ...loosely translated as mean, cold hearted bitch ( I don't think that it is meant to be that way, it just seems to come across that way at times.) I was asked if I wanted to change that. I don't think I gave a very good answer at the time. I would love to call a re-do. 

No. In this area, I don't want to change. I think the world needs people like me, and we aren't a better place because people are scared of truth and honesty. Because in a world of "oh it is so important to be polite and to not say anything that might upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings" Honesty, even when honesty is hard, is now considered mean and cold hearted. So, that part of who I am I do not want to change. I'm ok with that. 

BUT I do wish that I had more patience. I wish I was less uptight over things that really don't matter. I wish I had more discipline. I wish I didn't get so crabby when I'm tired or hungry. I wish I wasn't quite so cynical. 

About that honesty?  It probably wouldn't hurt if I learned to choose my words more carefully. I wish that when no one is asking for my opinion, I was better at keeping it inside. I hope that I can learn to temper my words and choose them carefully. 

So, I guess I'll keep trying to make myself as I wish to be and try NOT to be angry with others for not doing what I wish they would.... 

Will I ever catch up?

Right now, I am thinking no. It is hopeless. People always ask how the yearbook is going. This year, I can say that the girls are fantastic, and they are doing an awesome job. That is not to say that they don't, from time to time, fail to work as instructed, or go off the reservation without telling me, but after many years of this I can say they are a fantastic group.

In the meantime, the list of things I am supposed to be working on is growing expotentially. Literally, I can't catch up. I had another teacher make a snide remark about how all I do  is send emails and answer the phone. To a great extent that is correct. I am paid about the same as a  secretary (Ok, they may make more.) and a lot of my work is that of a secretary. It's a little demoralizing at times, but there it is. If I could hire a secretary then I could focus on all of the other stuff...maybe even how to be a better teacher. Such crazy talk.

But I digress. We have formed a "website steering committee" to see if we can get the kids involved and taking ownership of the crap ass website/iphone app that our journalism department updates. Of course that is a whole nother story of shit that pisses me off. So, working on that, working on designing next year's book, working on ads for next year and choosing staff for next year, and no we aren't done with this year. Kinda a hectic time for me.

And we won't even go into The Boys riding my ass about The Book which isn't even due out until August. They are going to give me heartburn.

I probably should not get myself all torqued up in the morning. I should go back to checking stuff off my list. OK. Gonna do that.

Ash Wednesday

I was reminded the other day that both Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday/Lent are strange celebrations (kind of) to some.  Yet they are such a part of my life and family tradition that it's hard to imagine how people don't celebrate Mardi Gras and practice sacrifice in the Lenton season.

Mardi Gras, distinctly a southern tradition, is that final hurrah before 40 days of getting down to business. It's like eating cake right before going on a diet (which I'm pretty sure many of us have done.) My sister and I were discussing last weekend how our mother has always been opposed to celebrating Mardi Gras in New Orleans (the original sin city if you ask her, esp during the Mardi Gras season.)  I've always wanted to go and just stand on a balcony all evening watching the chaos below.  Not IN the chaos...just watching. One of my student's actually brought King cake to school yesterday. I thought that was fun. I went out last night with a friend, had some steak and enjoyed the evening. Not the wildness of New Orleans, but still fun.

Today is Ash Wednesday. My plan is to go to church this evening, so I won't get home until after 7. The dogs will be distinctly unhappy by then, I have no doubt. I've spent a lot of years giving things up for Lent. I recently started trying to do things instead. It seemed more constructive than destructive and since my body pretty much won't let me eat a bunch of junk food, there's not a lot of suffering from giving that up.  And to be honest, it's just better for everyone if I stay happy and drinking through the Lenton season.

So, I already started a new routine of saying morning prayers each day. I like the idea of starting my day focused on who I want to be and how I want to live. I'm also going to exercise 30 minutes a day. I figure that is reasonable. I can run on the treadmill or walk the dogs, but every day I am going to do something. Maybe by the end, I'll be back to running 5 miles a day. I don't even remember what happened to make me stop running, but my body has definitely been feeling the difference. I HAVE to get back into it!!

And maybe along the way, as I spend the next 40 or so days reflecting on why I am doing these things and what it means to be a Christian, I will manage to pick up two habits again that help me to stay focused and clear on WWJD....

Better late than never

It's February, so it seems like it is about time to do my last year's review and goal setting for the new year. I have always loved New Year's Eve for this reason. I haven't gone out on New Year's Eve in years. But I have enjoyed staying up and contemplating the year. I'm not sure what I did this year, but looking at my blog, I certainly haven't been introspective. So it is time to do that now.

Over a month into 2013, I am looking back at 2012 and thinking last year may end up being a year for the record books in a couple of ways. I mean I had some serious lows. But I also set out to make some big changes in my world.

In a lot of ways, it was a really, long, long year. Started it broken hearted, home less and pretty damn unhappy.

At least by spring break I was in my own home again. It gave me something to focus on, and it reminded me of how much I like having my own space. I have become more solitary through the years. It becomes more and more lovely to be alone in my world, doing my own thing. (This is probably not great for romance and/or long-term committments, but what the hell, it is what it is.)

The whole year has been a strange lesson on relationships. Romantic, familial, friendships. All of it.

I spent most of my interactions with my parents trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I still have no idea really. I could ask, but that's not really how my parents work. When I try to understand their behaviors and why they did some of the things that they did, I keep coming back to the theory that they are trying to sever all the ways I might be dependent on them.  It's as if they want to be sure that when they die, there isn't anything that changes in my life because they are gone. It seems premature and a little weird to me, but there it is. If that is their goal, they have been wildly successful. It makes me a little sad, but it probably is for the best. The ancillary to that is that we don't talk very often any more, and I see them even less. I suppose that will change soon enough as they get older and need to be checked on more, but as my sister pointed out, they are still visiting all the siblings, and that means they all see how my parents are doing too.

I thought it was all looking up by the end of the school year, but it turns out even in relationships one thinks are solid, a lack of communication and perhaps people just evolving into different versions of themselves can change things. For good or bad, for now or forever may remain to be seen, but sometimes change is inevitable.  That actually may be the theme for 2012 now that I think about it.

I didn't go to Europe this summer, in fact, I didn't really go anywhere. It was ok. I got a lot done at home, and I didn't need to spend the money anyway. And, I am going this year, so it's good.

I did add 2 more dogs to my menagerie. It was almost 3, but thank God my friend, Mimi took Rowdy into her home!!  Although it has been a little crazy at times, Gracie and Dixie are awesome, and I am so glad that they are part of my family.

It wasn't a fantastic year for romance, but sometimes I look at my life and think, I may just be a really late bloomer. I am in better shape than ever, I think I like myself a lot more than I have at any other time in my life, I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been before, and I think I have better friends than I have ever had before. And if the whole picture of a life is determined by relationships, all relationships, then in many ways, even without romance, 2012 was a great year. I have friends that are family. I am very lucky in that respect.

I spent 2012 being much more focused on my finances and getting my debt down. I feel like I will make a lot of progress in 2013, and THAT makes me very happy.

And, as I turn my eye towards 2013 and think about what I want for myself....

I am excited about making changes to the journalism/publications program that I think will be better for the kids and making it more fun for me. It might be some work, but I think I'll learn a lot and it will keep me interested. This  job is the perfect job for me because it IS always changing and I CAN find ways to challenge myself.

I want to keep working on reducing my debt. Not spending money I shouldn't and making choices that will move me closer to my goal. Sometimes that is extremely difficult, but that doesn't mean it isn't important to do.

I am excited about getting my real estate license, and the idea of starting a company with my friend Joanna really makes me happy. I think we are a good team, and it will be fun. We just need to start working on the details. More to come on that.

I've added a morning prayer to my routine each day. I hope that helps me to be focused each day on making choices that allign with my beliefs and with what God wants for  me.

I have not been running, and I miss it. I need to get that back in my life. It needs to be part of my routine. I want to look back on 2013 and be glad that I made that change (again.)

Relationships. Unfortunately, in ALL relationships when we aren't willing to communicate and perhaps bare our soles, our relationships can't grow. They, instead, begin to stagnant and wilt. So, for the people in my life that do want our relationships to grow and be strong, I want to focus on them. I want to do my part to be honest, and real and improve things. For those that don't, I will try to respect what they want and where they are in their lives. It's hard for me, because I would rather have relationships that feel symbiotic, but I guess there is an ebb and flow in all things. Including long-term relationships. Hmmm, might have to write more about this later too.

So, there it is. Last year summed up and this year's plan. Go team.