Friday, February 8, 2013

Better late than never

It's February, so it seems like it is about time to do my last year's review and goal setting for the new year. I have always loved New Year's Eve for this reason. I haven't gone out on New Year's Eve in years. But I have enjoyed staying up and contemplating the year. I'm not sure what I did this year, but looking at my blog, I certainly haven't been introspective. So it is time to do that now.

Over a month into 2013, I am looking back at 2012 and thinking last year may end up being a year for the record books in a couple of ways. I mean I had some serious lows. But I also set out to make some big changes in my world.

In a lot of ways, it was a really, long, long year. Started it broken hearted, home less and pretty damn unhappy.

At least by spring break I was in my own home again. It gave me something to focus on, and it reminded me of how much I like having my own space. I have become more solitary through the years. It becomes more and more lovely to be alone in my world, doing my own thing. (This is probably not great for romance and/or long-term committments, but what the hell, it is what it is.)

The whole year has been a strange lesson on relationships. Romantic, familial, friendships. All of it.

I spent most of my interactions with my parents trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I still have no idea really. I could ask, but that's not really how my parents work. When I try to understand their behaviors and why they did some of the things that they did, I keep coming back to the theory that they are trying to sever all the ways I might be dependent on them.  It's as if they want to be sure that when they die, there isn't anything that changes in my life because they are gone. It seems premature and a little weird to me, but there it is. If that is their goal, they have been wildly successful. It makes me a little sad, but it probably is for the best. The ancillary to that is that we don't talk very often any more, and I see them even less. I suppose that will change soon enough as they get older and need to be checked on more, but as my sister pointed out, they are still visiting all the siblings, and that means they all see how my parents are doing too.

I thought it was all looking up by the end of the school year, but it turns out even in relationships one thinks are solid, a lack of communication and perhaps people just evolving into different versions of themselves can change things. For good or bad, for now or forever may remain to be seen, but sometimes change is inevitable.  That actually may be the theme for 2012 now that I think about it.

I didn't go to Europe this summer, in fact, I didn't really go anywhere. It was ok. I got a lot done at home, and I didn't need to spend the money anyway. And, I am going this year, so it's good.

I did add 2 more dogs to my menagerie. It was almost 3, but thank God my friend, Mimi took Rowdy into her home!!  Although it has been a little crazy at times, Gracie and Dixie are awesome, and I am so glad that they are part of my family.

It wasn't a fantastic year for romance, but sometimes I look at my life and think, I may just be a really late bloomer. I am in better shape than ever, I think I like myself a lot more than I have at any other time in my life, I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been before, and I think I have better friends than I have ever had before. And if the whole picture of a life is determined by relationships, all relationships, then in many ways, even without romance, 2012 was a great year. I have friends that are family. I am very lucky in that respect.

I spent 2012 being much more focused on my finances and getting my debt down. I feel like I will make a lot of progress in 2013, and THAT makes me very happy.

And, as I turn my eye towards 2013 and think about what I want for myself....

I am excited about making changes to the journalism/publications program that I think will be better for the kids and making it more fun for me. It might be some work, but I think I'll learn a lot and it will keep me interested. This  job is the perfect job for me because it IS always changing and I CAN find ways to challenge myself.

I want to keep working on reducing my debt. Not spending money I shouldn't and making choices that will move me closer to my goal. Sometimes that is extremely difficult, but that doesn't mean it isn't important to do.

I am excited about getting my real estate license, and the idea of starting a company with my friend Joanna really makes me happy. I think we are a good team, and it will be fun. We just need to start working on the details. More to come on that.

I've added a morning prayer to my routine each day. I hope that helps me to be focused each day on making choices that allign with my beliefs and with what God wants for  me.

I have not been running, and I miss it. I need to get that back in my life. It needs to be part of my routine. I want to look back on 2013 and be glad that I made that change (again.)

Relationships. Unfortunately, in ALL relationships when we aren't willing to communicate and perhaps bare our soles, our relationships can't grow. They, instead, begin to stagnant and wilt. So, for the people in my life that do want our relationships to grow and be strong, I want to focus on them. I want to do my part to be honest, and real and improve things. For those that don't, I will try to respect what they want and where they are in their lives. It's hard for me, because I would rather have relationships that feel symbiotic, but I guess there is an ebb and flow in all things. Including long-term relationships. Hmmm, might have to write more about this later too.

So, there it is. Last year summed up and this year's plan. Go team.

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