Friday, November 6, 2009

An open letter

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life. I get that. And if you told me how you felt based on my actions, I would accept it. Not lucky in love. Not a financial maestro. Shitty driver. Bitchy. Opinionated. ADD.

At the moment my heart hurts because I was judged by people who know me and decided that they trust me, but then they turned to a stranger who told them not to trust me and defined our relationship and convinced them of the truth of the new definition. I don't know if that is great persuasion or what it is, except a total crushing of my heart and soul. And, really, I'm not sure that I'm exaggerating.

I haven't asked for much from anyone. At least I don't think I have. I've asked a lot of my parents, letting the dogs, cat and I stay with them. Helping me with the house. I get that. I am totally appreciative of everything that they have done. I realize that a lot of people wouldn't be willing to do that much for their children.

I happen to be the only child living near them, and, quite honestly, I don't see them retiring to live with any of my siblings. All sorts of reasons for that, the most important being my dad is a total homebody and he's not going to want to leave their house, ever, let alone the town they have lived in for oh, over 30 years.

So, I guess to a certain extent I always thought part of why they helped (beyond the fact they love me, yes, I know that is the primary reason) is that they figured they would get a pretty good return when it was time. I watched my mom take care of my grandparents. I know the deal.

But mostly, as much as my family jokes about my being spoiled and such. I don't think I am selfish. I do try to do the right thing. I want to be honest, trust worthy and dependable. I guess that is why this hurts so much.

If someone looks at me, and said this is why I am doing this or that. OK. But to say you are going to do something I NEVER ASKED FOR and then turn around and pull the rug out from under me by saying not only are we not going to do what we said we would, and we aren't doing it because a stranger said to not trust you. Well, I'm not sure how the soul recovers from that.


  1. Delurking to say that I appreciate the honesty and the emotion with which you write and that I am sorry that you are having a bad time lately.

    Hang in there!

  2. I hate that your heart is hurting. Know that you are loved.