Unbearable Sadness of Being

Sabrina and I went to see Dr. Murray Tuesday. Technically it was her annual. Dr. Murray said she had been researching options, and all she had seen was stem stell research in California. Yeah, not really an option. We discussed her infections (that would probably only get worse), the constant fight between too firm poo and diarrhea poo. We talked about how she really hated it when I expressed her bladder and that she dripped pee all day every day.

So, Sabrina stood between us, happy and bouncy, and I knew that she really isn't going to get better. And I knew it was just going to get harder and harder for me. So, we decided to just do it. She was a beautiful, happy, loving dog. I hated holding the power of life or death over another creature. I desperately wanted her to live and get better, and I am desperately sad that she is gone.

My students are unbelievably sweet. I've gotten lots of hugs, a coffee cake, flowers and a slurpee.

I'm going to make a video montage, but in the meantime here is a clip from one of her last days. It seems really, really wrong doesn't it?

Hemorrhaging Cash

To Hemorrhage: to undergo a rapid and sudden loss. Yep. That is the word.

I take Cat to the vet today. He is so shockingly skinny, I'm not sure of how he can move around. He eats (a tiny little bit), he sits (looks happy?), but he doesn't really have his Cat spunk. He's basically starving himself to death. But he looks ok if you just look at him. And yet, we are going to the vet today to end his life. I don't want him to suffer, and I don't think he is healthy or happy. The vet agrees. Doesn't make it any easier. It sucks.

In the meantime, Sabrina goes to the vet Tuesday for a check-in. They all of the blood work etc over the holidays when the "tamale" incident occurred. I made the mistake of looking at my credit card bill yesterday. It looked like I'd spent about $1,000 at the vet alone in December. So, I sat down and actually tried to add up how much I've spent since August. It's not pretty. Especially since I didn't even add in all of the chicken, rice, pumpkin and dried cranberries I've bought. You might not think it adds up to

a lot being groceries and all, but if you look at the pumpkin alone...2 cans a day for two months at $1 a can... Yeah, it really does add up. I didn't add in the mattress pads, wet wipes, tissues and other general cleaning supplies.

Is she getting better? Well, she is way better than she was in August when the specialty vet let me take her home without her being able to stand on her own. She can walk two miles now. She still doesn't have control of her bowels or her bladder. And she has constant bladder infections. I am crazy about this dog. She is beautiful and loving and happy and I desperately want her to get better, but I just don't know if she is or if I can afford to keep trying. How Godawful is that? I don't have the money to take care of her. Ironically, looking at my bank statements and credit card, after today's visit to take care of Cat, I don't actually have the money to do anything else either. I am so unbearably sad.

Fun Update

So, I asked Mom and Dad for a huge favor. Please, please don't go to Hawaii for Thanksgiving. I need your help. Please go after Thanksgiving. Not that they help me pack, but I needed to move the menagerie north so that I could clean the house. Trust me when I tell you, it is not possible to clean with them here.

OK Mom says. We'll stay. I tell my friends how great my parents are. I have a friend telling me yesterday as I approach their house how she was telling her friend about my parents helping me out.

I am at their house last night. I made a comment about Sabrina coming up. Mom says, "We aren't going to be here, we'll be in Hawaii." WHAT? I say. I know you are kidding. That's not funny.

No, we are going to be in Hawaii... wait for it, You didn't write anything on the calendar. Is she kidding me? I am running my ass off taking care of the dogs, dealing with school, packing my house up, and when I begged her to help me and she said yes, I was supposed to drive to their house in Plano to put it on the calendar? Really?

Honestly, I totally lost my shit. Walked out of the house and balled the entire way home.

Embarrassed that I said they were helping me, and they aren't? Yes.

Worried about how in the Hell I am going to pull of this move and cleaning of the old house? Yes.

Confused that she was home when she agreed, but she didn't write it down, and she didn't remember that she had agreed, and when were they going to tell me? I realize I'm the old child in the area, but that seems problematic to me. Wouldn't this be something she would remember?

And the worst part. It's my own fault. I never should have asked them in the first place. I feel like an idiot.

Humility lessons are hateful

Interesting how the universe can conspire to teach you the lessons that God wants you to learn. I think God has been talking to me for several weeks now, but I haven't been listening very carefully. Today, he wacked me on the head. Fine. You have my attention.

Recently my sis posted about having to learn humility lessons for herself. I thought at the time, yes, those are hard. I have gotten full of myself from time to time too.

Recently a jogger was killed on the Katy Trail by a bicyclist traveling past her. She turned to go back, and he/she was going too fast? too close? whatever and hit her. A lot of the news stories talked about how she had headphones on. All I could think was what if she didn't, but tripped, would it have been more of the bicyclist's responsibility? And then I thought about how self-righteous so many of our neighborly bicyclists are and that being self-righteous only leads to trouble. Hard to reason with the self-righteous.

Recently, you might remember I started having trouble with my dog hating neighbor again. I have been feeling pretty indignant about the whole thing. In the meantime, some stuff happened at school. I realized a parallel for me is that the morning I let the dogs out at 10:30 because Sabrina had made a mess in the kitchen; I had a choice. I could have left her in the kitchen. Sure it would have been a mess, and I would have been cleaning both dogs, but they wouldn't have been outside to bark. I knew I was being naughty (taking a chance etc), but I did it anyway. I need to accept the part I played in everything that has happened since. I can be self-righteous about the why I let them out or the how infrequently I let them out early or my rights as a citizen, but in the end, I took a chance that they would behave and there wouldn't be a problem, and, well, I crapped out (no pun intended. Oh, who am I kidding? Pun totally intended)

Recently, there were some issues with twitter and students starting anonymous accounts to post mean stuff about other people. There was a comment in a post that indicated a student was on the yearbook staff. I told my students that the yearbook person needed to come forth and speak to me about it. No one did. So much for my influence and teaching them the importance of being honest about having made mistakes.

Oh, and the school issue? A little confusing, but let me see if I can sum it up. DELETED COURTESY OF CENSORSHIP I SUPPOSE. (OK, to put back- an organization at the school wanted to participate in a "senior only" thing at school that their sponsor told them not to do. They started to do it anyway, she told them again, then again. the long and the short of it is that they disobeyed their sponsor. I think they knew they were being naughty, and they didn't think they would get in trouble. But they did, and they were PISSED about having the book thrown at them by their sponsor. And, that again the lesson of taking responsibility for oneself has been lost.

So, I'm in a funk. I am not loving my job right now. I am disappointed in myself for getting such a big head when I very clearly shouldn't, and I am trying to focus on my new behavior plan.

I made a list of Rules to Work by to remind myself of my place in this little world. It might be overkill, but I think I need to keep my mouth shut and lay low for a good long while. I'm tired of finding myself looking like an idiot in front of the principal.

1. Keep your opinions to yourself.

2. "You might be right" is a magical phrase. (Learned this one from BFF. Great way to end a conversation that is going nowhere quickly.)

3. Document, document, document. I happen to be dealing with a highly litigious portion of society. Probably a good idea to keep good records.

4. It's not your business, so don't ask questions. (Maybe if I wouldn't be such a nosy Nelly I wouldn't feel a need to then share my opinions.)

5. Tell the truth, but remember everyone lies. Got this one from House. It's true.

6. If you make a mistake, admit it. Immediately. I already do this one, but it is a good one to remember anyway.

7. Be mindful of whom you trust. Goes along with the others. I need to keep my mouth shut. Everyone doesn't have my best interests at heart. Most have their own.

8. Be calm. Make your point; then shut up. I talk too much and I know it. I don't need to beat a point in the ground or raise my voice to make a point. State what my expectation is and end the discussion.

9. Keep your head down and get your work done. It's called flying under the radar. Try it.

10. Remember there is always someone looking for an opportunity to get you in trouble. Do NOT give it to them. (Got this one just yesterday from another teacher. She said that she always tries to remember that no matter how much she thinks her kids love her, there is always one that doesn't and will tell their parents if she does something she shouldn't.)

Be grateful you h ave a job. Lots of people don't.

OK, so there they are. I'm going to put them in front of me. I don't think my job is going to be as much fun for a while, and it is really going to be hard to be the professional that could be filmed in the classroom all day, but that is my new goal. I'm on a reality show 24/7 and how will what I do look on TV. YIKES.

HER TAIL MOVED

It's been 50 days since Sabrina had her stroke.

I started giving up hope a couple of weeks ago. She is walking again which is fantastic, but she has no control over her bladder or bowels. I spend a lot of time cleaning up the messes she leaves behind.

I had begun to cry (often), trying to accept putting Sabrina down, and just in general being utterly depressed and sad.

As a side note, I don't know how people survive having small children in the house. My entire world has shrunk down to the size of my living room. The size of my plastic covered living room.

I have been going home every day during 3rd period to "express" Sabrina's bladder. She has no sensation so she doesn't know when she needs to pee, I literally have to squeeze her bladder to make her pee. There will never be photos of that maneuver, trust me.

She doesn't know when she has to poop so she just does it as she walks. Yeah, you can see the need for plastic. (Although please note that she can still manage to find a way to get her butt on the ONE SPOT that is uncovered.)

Occasionally I have let her get on the big comfy chair with me (layer of plastic, blanket, then us) ...well, until she pees on me.

She walks pretty well now. Still a little like a one year old... all wiggly and some times surprised when her butt shows up beside her head, but we can walk almost 2 miles now. THAT is really good.

Buddy is doing pretty well through all of this. He gets a little jealous, so he can't stand it when I cave and let Sabrina on the chair. Little me sandwich. (I was in my little pjs so I put a photoshop skirt on me : )

And the truth has come out...turns out, Buddy is the one eating on the red chair (that's why there is plastic around the arms.) Buddy is the one that eats blankets etc. He is the one causing all sorts of trouble. Guess he didn't think that when he was the only one allowed to run free if he was bad, he wouldn't be able to hide behind the "it wasn't me, it was her" defense.

Buddy constantly wants to play with her, and she does a little but she does still snap at him when he catches her by surprise.

At any rate, we hang out when I'm not making their special dinners or cleaning up after the messes or trying to make her potty or doing the laundry. I snuggle with her as much as possible because I'm worried and I don't know how long she will be around. I love her with all my heart, but I know that I can't keep this up forever. It is really, really hard.

And I have been taking lots and lots of pictures. Ode to Sabrina, if you will.

Two days ago, I came home 3rd to find a MESS, so I threw the dogs outside because I didn't have time to clean and headed back to school. The dog hater started calling an hour later and called 6 times in two hours. I finally had to start hanging up on her. She then sent me a nasty email using my worries about Sabrina (which I wish I hadn't blurted out) against me, you know ...if you can't take care of your dogs you should find someone else to do so. BITCH.

It just has all been throwing me into a total depression.

BUT. Last night. She stood up, and her tail was sticking STRAIGHT OUT. (No, I didn't manage to get a picture, I know, I know.) This may not sound like much, but trust me...it is something. AND this morning she was standing still, but I could see the top part of her tail moving...AAUUGGGHHHHHH I am so excited.

In case you were wondering

the last 7 days have been a total beating. So, it all began last Thursday. Wait. Back up. Actually, to a certain extent, it all began last Monday. Because that was the day of convocation.

Sunday night my friend PR spent the night. She lives out in Keller and since she is in charge of the big first day of return to school she frets that traffic will be all messed up and cause her to be late, so we have a slumber party. It's a tradition cause we've done it 3 times now. At any rate, we went to a cool restaurant in South Oak Cliff where some slutty girl at the bar in a tight pink dress turned away from the bar to pick up something that fell, spread her legs as she leaned down and flashed me. Happy town. Yes. I am totally and completely scarred.

After that we looked at houses in South Oak Cliff because they are cool and it's what we like to do.

First day of school was fine. New principal seems nice enough. My room still wasn't cleaned up from construction, and as it turns out, they hadn't actually finished working in my room, so I'd clean, and they'd mess up. It was a really good time the first three days.

At any rate, I had the editors coming to work while I was in meetings. It really wasn't too horrible.

Thursday I got home after school and Buddy greeted me at the door, but Sabrina was no where in sight. So I started up the stairs looking for her. I heard something in the bathroom. At first, I thought that she was hooked on something or had gotten a paw stuck, but then I realized that she was sitting straight up with her back paws sticking straight out. She was shaking but not moving. FREAK OUT.

I managed to get her downstairs and out the door. It was almost 5 when we got to the vet who basically said whatever was wrong was beyond what he could do but he called the Surgery Center of Dallas (just go ahead and imagine a BIG OLE Chi ching here.) Yes, they could have someone there by 7pm to meet us, so Sabrina and I set off up the tollroad.

The Surgery Center began the conversation saying that it was either a stroke or a herniated disk - was I prepared to spend thousands of dollars. I'm sitting in front of my dog who is looking at me scared and shaking totally cognizant with eyes begging me to make her better. So, I handed over the credit card.

As it turns out she had a stroke. They called later that night to say that there was no point of pain and the scans showed nothing ergo it was a stroke. In the meantime, my throat hurt and I didn't feel that great. By Friday I felt worse. I went to see Sabrina on Friday and sat in the kennel (full size, so room for both of us) with her for about an hour just loving on her. Lots of dogs, lots of noise.

Saturday she was able to get up (with help) and walk (with help) to a room where we sat for about 2 hours. While I was with her she peed about 4 different times all over the blanket. Not a good sign. Sunday, the vet called and said the good news was she is moving better and regaining strength but that she had lost control of her bladder and she could feel no pain in her tail.

Oh, and Saturday and Sunday I spent in bed. Sleeping. And feeling like crap. That's right, once again, I've caught the plague.

Monday morning, first day of school. All I want to do is curl in the fetal position. Not to be. So, I throw on clothes and head off. The day goes ok. Most of the kids I know. The yearbook staff should be good. I have photojournalism 7th period and Journalism 1 8th which totally sucks, but it turns out my J1 class is 10 girls ....we'll do just fine.

At any rate, Monday's phone call from the vet is to ask me if I want to do an MR, he had mentioned it the day before too, but what I basically kept hearing is that it probably won't tell us anything, but it might tell us if she has cancer???what??? but it is really academic. OK, how much is this academic MR? $2,000. Uh, that's a no ghostrider. Holy cow.

Monday after school I went straight away to visit Sabrina. We spent about an hour and half together. Bless her heart, I'm sure she isn't sleeping well among the noise of all of dogs. She slept part of the time snuggled against my leg. First the first time since Thursday, when I left she literally struggled to get away from the technician to go with me. Nearly. Killed. Me.

So, today is Wednesday. I am still having trouble breathing. My throat hurts. I'm full of phlem, and my precious dog is about to come home. Scratch that. Actually she is about to come to my parents house. Where I am. Because once again they are determined to prove when it really comes down to it, they will be there for me. Because we don't know what Sabrina needs. I know she can't stand up on her own yet, which means if she pees, she is stuck laying in it until someone comes and helps her. I know she can walk, but she is wobbly.

So, this morning I packed up every blanket and soft thing I could find so we would have plenty of blankets. I gathered up my clothes and Buddy so that we could all join Sabrina at M and D's. They will have Sabrina duty during the day, and I'll have it at night.

I don't know how long until she can get herself up without help. I don't know how long she is going to have bladder control issues. I don't what it will take to get her back to her old self. I don't know anything.

And that is why the last 7 days have been a beating.

I am a pixie I mean something else

There I said it. I am frustrated and my feelings are hurt and when Mr. P finally calls, I'm too much of a pxssy to say anything.

I am totally disgusted with myself. I mean, what is wrong with me? How it is possible? I am a grown woman. I am independent. I have a job. I have self-confidence. I believe in myself. I am woman, hear me effin roar. BUT, BUT I can't manage to say to someone, hey, my feelings were hurt when you did this. How pathetic am I?????

At least I did say that I wasn't going up to the lake tomorrow. Big deal. I'm dying to go, and it means I'm not going to see him one more day, so really I am denying myself, but I didn't want to go by myself. (The vision in my head is that he gives me directions, I get lost, I get pissed, I'm cranky when I get there, he says WTF and we are done, so just best not to go, another weekend perhaps.)

Why is it so difficult? Why is talking to someone so hard? Why is dating so hard? Honestly, I have to tell you that if things don't work with Mr. P, I am not dating anyone else for a while.

At any rate, so I have got to gird my loins, get some courage, and talk to him. I think I need to go take a Tums. Maybe two.

How can I possibly summarize?

I am feeling a little bit like ChaCha at the moment cause I got the blogger guilt. There is so much to write, but I have no time, and I'm kinda tired of being Debbie Downer. But in the interest of taking notes and letting those yearning to catch up on what the Diva is doing here goes nothing.

Well, I received an offer on the house on November 13th, finaled the contract on the 24th and closed on the 25th. I didn't dare pack before the closing because I really thought the whole damn thing was going to crash and burn. So, I ran around Wednesday like a mad thing closing, and then trying to take care of the deposit for the rental house (that was a nightmare in and of itself) The movers come Dec 1 and I have to be totally out by the 5th. My head is still spinning.

The buyer, aka the haggler, was a total pain. Feel free to guess why.

The house is almost totally packed, although I haven't taken care of the garage which I'm going to regret. I have book club tomorrow night (did I mention that I haven't read the book and that I'm leading the discussion? Yeah, good times.) So, it looks like I will be packing the garage Tuesday morning, as the movers are packing the house.

I have packed all of my eating utensils including the plastic stuff that I can't find because I packed it, realized I'm an idiot and then couldn't find the box. Shit, shit, shit.

I have a nasty rash on my right shoulder that friends have said is a stress rash. Would really like to get rid of that!

The crayon box (as I fondly refer to the new place) is going to need a new name soon. The lavender bedroom, microsoft blue bedroom and lime green bathroom have all been painted, thank you with my whole heart to K who helped me paint. The crayon red wall downstairs will be painted soon too. By next Sunday it will no longer look like a clown threw up in there. Go team.

The place is a lot smaller than the current residence, so I have been desperately trying to sell stuff on Craig's list. I've sold some stuff, but it would be really nice to sell a few more pieces. Money in the pocket, baby.

My back is throbbing, and I hurt in parts of my body that I didn't know could hurt. In fact, I am feeling very very old and trying not to hobble as I walk.

So, off to work tomorrow to finalize a few things while I pretend to actually do my job, ha ha ha and then off for two days to get myself moved.

So, I am terribly sad about leaving my house and my friends, but I know it is the right thing to do. I am changing my life, and this is the first step. I know it is going to be an uphill battle, and almost NO ONE believes in me, but I believe in me. . . and that is all that really matters.

Another trip with Blondie

Well, our adventures in Journalism conventioning have begun. We arrived yesterday afternoon. Blondie and I were greeted at the airport by the BFF. She, in case I haven't mentioned it lately, is the coolest. She brought Cranberry Juice (for my morning medicine routine) and crackers. And great big hugs which I have been needing desperately. Her very existence is God's gift to me.

Once my other friend, Mrs. Jostens arrived, we headed out to grab a taxi. Cab driver, a lovely man, managed to take our conversation on the beautiful fall foliage into a discussion of politics. We said, "Gee the leaves are beautiful" and he said, "They look better since George Bush left." huh.? He continued on his happy monologue regarding GB.

We arrived at the hotel, still confused by the ramblings of our cab driver which segued to his love of Hillary Clinton for standing by her man by the time we were exiting the car. We mentioned to the front desk personnel the strangeness of the cab ride, and son of a bitch if he didn't start chastising us about talking about politics in DC. Really?

The room is great. With three of us sharing, there was some concern re: size. It is great. sofa, two chairs, two beds and a desk and chair.

We went to a fabulous steakhouse in the W hotel. Sooo good. The hotel has a rooftop bar that is very hip, trendy and cool. (I'm lucky they even let me in.) Dinner was courtesy of Mrs. J. Thank you!!

This morning we got up and headed over to the convention. Today's cab driver rocked cause he knew where there was a 7-11 on the way!

Oh, and by the way, last night I was able to talk to the drummer. I've known I needed to gird my loins and just ask what the deal is. He confuses me, it seems liked he isn't all that in to me, but he does call and ask me out. So, yeah, not that into me. Totally awkward and uncomfortable and really no fun. Not to mention totally an ego killer and heart crusher. Yes indeed the good times continue to roll for the Diva.

An open letter

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life. I get that. And if you told me how you felt based on my actions, I would accept it. Not lucky in love. Not a financial maestro. Shitty driver. Bitchy. Opinionated. ADD.

At the moment my heart hurts because I was judged by people who know me and decided that they trust me, but then they turned to a stranger who told them not to trust me and defined our relationship and convinced them of the truth of the new definition. I don't know if that is great persuasion or what it is, except a total crushing of my heart and soul. And, really, I'm not sure that I'm exaggerating.

I haven't asked for much from anyone. At least I don't think I have. I've asked a lot of my parents, letting the dogs, cat and I stay with them. Helping me with the house. I get that. I am totally appreciative of everything that they have done. I realize that a lot of people wouldn't be willing to do that much for their children.

I happen to be the only child living near them, and, quite honestly, I don't see them retiring to live with any of my siblings. All sorts of reasons for that, the most important being my dad is a total homebody and he's not going to want to leave their house, ever, let alone the town they have lived in for oh, over 30 years.

So, I guess to a certain extent I always thought part of why they helped (beyond the fact they love me, yes, I know that is the primary reason) is that they figured they would get a pretty good return when it was time. I watched my mom take care of my grandparents. I know the deal.

But mostly, as much as my family jokes about my being spoiled and such. I don't think I am selfish. I do try to do the right thing. I want to be honest, trust worthy and dependable. I guess that is why this hurts so much.

If someone looks at me, and said this is why I am doing this or that. OK. But to say you are going to do something I NEVER ASKED FOR and then turn around and pull the rug out from under me by saying not only are we not going to do what we said we would, and we aren't doing it because a stranger said to not trust you. Well, I'm not sure how the soul recovers from that.

So, the untold story unfolds. . . Part B

So, the meeting with MMT? Total car crash. Long and the short of it... She refused to accept any responsibility for, well, anything. In fact, a loose summary would be she feels that the only problem in the department is me, and that everything she has heard from everyone else is the exact opposite of what I said. Yeah, pretty much eradicates any need to continue conversing don't you think?

As horribly as I think she has been acting, as disappointed as I am in the person she is turning out to be, I am really sad that she is being this way. I really did think she would be a good department chair. I can't figure out why her "friend" in the department isn't trying to help her do a better job.

I'm not sure of what will happen, but I know that I'm pretty much tired of being treated like crap and of being spoken to in a condescending manner.

I have officially hit a new low.

And by new low I mean, I am so tired and so worn out that I can hardly think or even breath. I am so stressed out and freaked out and worried. It is unbelievable in a world filled with so many people that it is still possible to feel totally and completely alone. I know I am loved and that people care, but there's a limit to just how much people can empathize and sympathize when they aren't actually there beside you. I know that I am dealing with the fallout from a problem and situation that I created. But it doesn't mean that I'm not paying for it, literally and figuratively.

I woke up this morning hungry, so I started eating breakfast before I had finished my medicine. I know better than to do that, but I did, and then I paid the price. I actually went back to bed and, luckily, my system cleared up by about noon.

I worked some more emptying out the back house room and boxing stuff up. I went to Home Depot, took care of a ton of returns, got some more outlet covers and then got some plants etc for the front of the house (you got nothing if you are missing the curb appeal.)

I didn't realize how much I have been counting on my parents' help until they told me they weren't coming until Tuesday. I almost hyperventilated. I am working Tuesday through Thursday. That would mean that they really wouldn't be able to do anything until Friday and school starts officially for teachers the following Monday. I realize that it is not their problem and I absolutely should not be expecting so much of them. When I heard them say that, I just felt totally and completely alone. I don't know if they felt my anxiety through the line, but they said they would come tomorrow, although I don't know when. I may still be misjudging how much I should/could really expect of them, but I guess I'll know tomorrow. There is a handy man company that I have used before that I think takes credit cards . . . I might be giving them a call very soon.

I know I am doing the right thing to sell the house, both because of how much this house is costing me monthly and because of how much I know I can make selling it. I have checked and rechecked comps, and I really do feel confident that I can make enough money to pay off my credit cards and free myself of the total and complete financial mess I have created for myself.

I am spending a fair amount of money to get everything done, but I am totally confident that I will get the money back when it sells. Maybe I am overconfident, but I don't think so.

Because the bathroom took so much freaking longer than it was supposed to take, I have started researching how much it will cost to take care of some of things that other people can do because there is soooo much stuff that can't be parceled out, and I am so totally running out of time.

I know that statistics say home buyers see problems and always over estimate the cost of repairs etc so you don't want them to start adding things up in their heads. After working on the kitchen floor so much I'm not sure if my hands will ever recover (or my lungs for that matter after sniffing goof off for a week), I finally realized I needed to get 3 estimates and just have a flooring allowance. Ok. Done.

I checked into the getting sod laid in the backyard, the cost of painting the parts of the house that I haven't taken care of yet, the cost of getting the windows cleaned and at the end, the entire house cleaned. Everything was rocking along until the painter (referred by someone who totally trusts him) told me it would be $1175 (1050 if I paid cash), and no he doesn't take checks. Let's be clear I have absolutely no money left. I am living off of my final credit card that hasn't dropped my limit to what I owe. I could try to find another painter (some one I have no references on) who may or may not be able to do it on the exact days I need it done and who I'm almost certain will cost more. Yup. Options are looking good. (Feel free to hear the sarcasm dripping.)

Ok, so let's look at what I need to do to put the house on the market:
Stain the thresholds between the rooms,
hang mirror in second bath as well as towel bar, toilet paper holder etc.,
hang chandelier in dining room,
repair the wood trim in first bath and paint it,
put up the towel bar and fix the screw that is stuck in the wall from when I tried to do the hand towel bar,
new string for attic door,
3 doors have no knobs, so they need to be installed,
I need to continue removing the random hooks, nails etc in walls through out the house,
I need a curtain for the master closet,
I have the world's smallest pantry so I need to clean it out and make it look roomy,
and clean out the kitchen cabinets,
curtain for the kitchen,
hang art throughout the house,
clean and paint the baseboards in the master bedroom
I need to touch up the paint in the master, 1st bath, living room, tv room and guest room,
even though I have mostly given up on the wood floors I still feel like I need to get some of the more obvious paint off of them, but I can only do a little bit at a time because my arms and fingers get so sore,
paint the backhouse floor. It has termite damage, and it looks bad, but I have extra dark brown paint, and I already plan to stage it, but I think it will really help to have the floors look really fresh,
I need to power wash the house. I can't do it alone because the washer is too heavy,
I have bought stones for the backyard to go to the back house and the back gate, so they need to be laid, and I need to plant the flowers for the front flower bed,
I have a shitload of trips to make to the storage unit,
I need help moving the stove so that I can pull the laminate up that is under the stove, again I know I am making a floor allowance, but I still don't want it to look hideous,
the threshold laid in the bedroom closet is too high so it needs to be sanded (how exactly am I going to do that without getting dust on ALL of my freaking clothes,)
remove the mexican light from the front porch,
change the air filter and clean the stupid vents,
paint front closet,
paint and clean the back door of the house,
clean the area rug on the front porch,
wash curtains,
and did I mention when all of that is done I need to go back and start doing the "staging" part, setting the tables making things look cutsy etc. Oh, and before the rest of the list of things that I haven't even thought of or realized yet.

Does it sound like a lot? Because I look at this list, and I want to throw up. I know that when school starts I am going to be exhausted and unable to do much of anything.

I know I need to get the house on the market asap and get it sold so that I can close 30 days later and be out from under this mess.

I know that all the money I am spending now are going to help make my house look ready to live in (even if the kitchen needs to be remodeled and one of the bathrooms needs to be updated).

I haven't even gotten to the part about what am I going to do with two dogs, a cat and a girl as I start having random people in the house doing work and as the house goes on the market. I guarantee you staging doesn't include outfits for the pets, it includes no signs of pets living here. And then I'm going to have to be soemwhere cause let's admit it, I'm a messy monkey and it will just be easier for me not to be here although totally stressful to be somewhere else.

Oh, and in case you aren't feeling my stess. . . as of right now I basically have 7 days (3 of which will be spent at school) 1 day the painter will be at the house so I'm not sure of what I will be able to do that day thereby bringing me down to 3 full days left. Yeah, feel free to go back and review my list.

Ok, strangely I actually feel a little better. I have no idea of why, maybe it is the macaroni and cheese I made for dinner. And just that whole theraputic writing thing. or the alcohol, could be that.

In the midst of the fab vaca. . .

I got to have a moment of sadness. I brought my laptop with me, because although I am not an ubergeek, I am a bit attached to my chit which includes the laptop.

So, I got on to Facebook yesterday and saw a coworker/friend who I sent a note to about the fact I would know if he didn't accept my friend request and my feelings would be hurt if he didn't.

Turns out we are not only not friends (possibly in any sense of the word) but that he has been holding in some hurt/anger for a while himself.

His response was "Feelings hurt like when I found out that you, Ms. X and two administrators sat around over cocktails and discussed my personal life? Yeah, I'm not near as forgiving.." (The coworker and two administrators are friends and we meet once a month after school to chat and hang out and such. So, it was really just a group of girls shooting the chit.)

I really respect and like this guy, so it makes me really sad that he has been feeling this way. I realize now that he has been letting me know something was wrong, and I just haven't been clued in enough to realize it.

I do NOT remember the conversation of which he speaks AT ALL. Makes it harder to even respond because I don't have any recollection. My response to him was to apologize, say I didn't remember it but that I would imagine that I said I didn't know and didn't care, and apologize again. )

Cause really I don't know ANYTHING about his personal life, so I can't imagine the conversation lasted long. In addition, I would imagine we were going through a host of people asking generic questions. . . certainly not with any intent to harm. . .

Then, I think about how does he even know? Was someone there who over heard and then went back to him? Why? What would that person gain? Was it one of the people I was with that went back to him? Again, why? It makes ME sad.

Lesson? (Cause I know there is one.) 1. Don't say anything you aren't ok having be said to the person's face. (I know I didn't say anything mean spirited or with intent to harm because I really like this guy, so the truth is I'm ok with whatever I said, although I'm sorry he was hurt.) 2. Be a lot more careful about speaking in public? Be a lot more careful about talking to my friends? (perhaps they aren't my friends?)

Oh, and the most important. Don't gossip. That one's a killer. Probably gonna get nailed on that one a couple more times before I totally take this one to heart. (Painful but true.)

OK, now that I have that off my chest, back to my vacation.

An Ode to Susan

One of my very favorite people in all the world works with me. I met her 9 years ago I think. She rocks. Funny, smart, doesn't take crap off of anyone, cute husband, great kids, blah, blah, blah. Most importantly, (you knew I would circle back to me quickly enough) she gives great advice, and she really helps to keep me out of trouble. Not always an easy task. She has made little murmurs of retirement the last couple of years, but nothing really serious until now. NOW, she says she is serious. She will retire in June. I could just cry. I will miss her sooooo terribly I can hardly stand it.

I realize I still have 6 months and I should be happy for her getting to retire and spend more time with her grandchild etc, but the totally self-centered part of me bemoans the fact she is leaving me. waaahhhhhhhhhh.

Susan is the greatest. I'll try to be a grown-up now and be happy for her. . . because happiness IS contagious, don't you know.

Very sad story, might not want to read, but had to write

Saturday afternoon I had just turned on Gaston off Dumont walking the hellion and her trusty companion, Buddy when I heard a noise. I looked up and a car had hit a dog. The dog looked a lot like Buddy only white with brown spots. It was laying on the ground with its paws in the air. I thought it was dead, but there was a group of men at the apartments on the other side of the street. One of the men yelled and started running toward the dog. (In the meantime the car that hit the dog continued on without stopping.)

When the man called the dogs name, his tail started wagging. I totally lost it at that point. When the man picked the dog up, blood was coming out of his mouth, so I know he died. It was really horrible. I still start crying when I think about it.

Imagine how much dogs love us, that his tail started wagging just from the sound of his owner's voice.