Altruism isn't actually a popular incentive

I'm watching 60 Minutes. The segment is on the rare and endangered animals hunted in Texas. Because ranchers are allowing them to be hunted, they are saving the animals from extinction.

I'm thinking lots of things in life are like this. Certainly in real estate it is every man for himself. Currently, I'm yanking the chain of the seller's agent. Mainly because I can. And I'm getting to do it without putting an effort forth. She sent an email late Friday, and called my agent shortly there after asking if I had a response. Since it required the assistance of my mortgage officer...no, I have no answer yet.

Even in education where there certainly is a degree of altruism, it is NOT completely altruistic because we all have to pay our bills.

The basic principals of capitalism are strongly at play in most situations.

I couldn't make this crap up if I wanted to

So, Tuesday morning I get a phone call that the seller of the short sale property has "changed his mind." **&^%^^*(I'm totally annoyed, but what am I going to do? So, I start looking for new properties.)

The process since then has been very frustrating. I do a ton of research on the internet, but I want access to MLS and all of the realtor info when I want it. I don't want to have to wait, or beg, or not get what I want.

I have now found two more than I think have huge potential. This afternoon (late) I get a text from my friend/agent forwarded from the sellers agent... the seller has once again had a change of heart. And my agent hadn't ever forwarded the buyers termination.

So, I am looking at the property again tomorrow and the other two. I am dragging Blondie with me so that I have a voice of reason helping me decide what to do.

In the meantime, I've decided to get my real estate license. I figure, esp since I'm pretty sure I won't get to go to Europe this summer, that it'll cost the same as what I spend in Europe, and I can do it this summer.)

step right up, I have plenty of time

Do you ever look up and realize that you have signed on for way more than you actually have time to do? And, then realize that it only takes one or two "unexpecteds" to totally rock your world... yup.

I have been working on the Real Estate Book, I know, I know. That darn thing just won't go away. They want to re-print the coffee table book in another year. At any rate, we are recreating "the Tree" and the "History" (spreads within the book) and I am scheduling interviews with the latest two recipients of the award.

I also got contracted to work on US Government through the FVS. They of course chose now to start sending me stuff.

The counseling department finally accepted the fact that really it was easier to just give me the Academic Planning Guide than to pretend that I wasn't doing all the work as I trained a new person almost every year. Good, cause I'm actually getting paid, bad cause they said oh, we need this now. Grrrr.

And in the middle of all of this, I got the news that I needed to start the new house search. Holy Crap batman, that's a lot of stuff at once.

Termination of Contract

Unfreakingbelievable. Signed a contract BEFORE Thanksgiving. Notified the landlord, arranged for the movers, showed the apartment while I was living there, sent Buddy to my parents, kept the place clean, got myself moved out and patiently waited for the stupid ass short sale to work its way through the process. Called, checked in etc.

So that this morning I could get a phone call that the seller didn't realize that he could renegotiate his loan, but he got something in the mail, so he's not selling. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

I have such a headache it is not even funny. I've been scouring online and there are no houses right now. I'm so pissed.

I got to my parents, told them, and in an effort to make me feel better my mother says, "Well, you can really pay off your bills now." What? No, because I'll be in the penitentiary for KILLING one of you if I have to stay here much longer. No, because I still have bills and I owe a shit ton of money on credit cards, so really, not going to make any kind of huge dent.

Fffuuuuuucccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

That's all I got.

And then you have to tell your friends

Breaking up is bad enough, but telling friends is a beating of its own. There's a lot you can learn about people just from their reactions to hearing about a break up. Certainly the last couple of weeks have been hard as I run into people who I haven't seen and friends start finding out that the Air Marshall and I have broken up.

"He wasn't right for you." Really? How exactly do you know that....having never met him and all? Hell, even if they had met him, how would they know that? I don't even know where that comes from.

"You should wait for a guy that won't let anything get in his way from seeing you." That's my favorite really...cause unless he steps out of a Disney fairytale...Are you fucking kidding me? We are grown ups, in the real world, and in our 40's living 5 states apart. Life is a pain in the ass and lots of stuff gets in the way. And really, I've never met a man who rolls that way. What the hell TV are these girls watching???

We all have different deal breakers, and I've said before it is amazing what other women are willing to put up with in a relationship while they look at you and say, "I can't believe you put up with that." I mean if a man is physically abusive or crushing a girl's spirit...done. Everyone should raise their voices to the rafters and stop that mess. After that, isn't it about personal preference? What are your deal breakers? What can you put up with forever? Does he bring you up or pull you down? Does me make you smile or cry? It's different for everyone.

In general (yes, my opinion), men are a pain the in the ass. They are needy and dense, and quite often they just don't get girls. But when we find one that makes us laugh and GETS us. That is something pretty impressive. When we find a guy that loves us and makes us feel good about ourselves, that is amazing. When we find a guy that has the same goals and dreams and wants to make a life with us, that is fantastic. So what if they annoy us and frustrate us upon occasion? Are you going to look me in the eye and say you found the one guy that DOESN'T ever annoy you or frustrate you 0r do things that you find baffling? I'm gonna have to call bullshit on that.

But then there are the friends that just said, "I am so sorry." And asked questions like, "Are you ok?" "How do you feel about it?" Things like that.

The ones that understand and get it.

I mean let's be honest. Yes, I am amazing. But I am also difficult, cranky and high maintenance. I am funny (although not everyone appreciates my humor), smart (and trust me when I tell you this is not a good thing in the dating world) and opinionated (also not so great in dating.)

I have huge food issues, and I like to go to bed at 9. I love the people I love, but I don't really like most people. So to find someone who likes me....loves me....loves all my quirks and funny habits, thinks I'm funny and doesn't mind that I'm smart (hell, he liked and respected it) ...that is someone special.

And I liked him. He didn't annoy me. He made me laugh, and he made me feel good. His voice warmed my soul. Liking guys is a lot harder than loving them if you asked me. And I did both, but I really liked him, as a person and as a man.

And all that to say, the end of relationships like death and other horrible events really just requires friends to say, "I'm sorry, and I'm here."

The presumption that someone knows someone else's relationship, it's probably a mistake. Because you are making judgments on minimal information at best. The information that absolutely says the least about a relationship and a person.

And the part that is totally exhausting? The casual references people make to dating and finding another guy and how much better I could do. Makes me want to laugh in their faces. Cause the people that talk about dating and finding another guy? They are all married. For a long, long, time. They don't know shit about dating.

Just thinking about dating makes me want to weep. If I were on my old blog, I would make references to multiple previous posts (resurrected- one, two, three) when I wrote about my many suckass dates. I would talk about a. how I never meet anyone (career choice not best for "dating") b. how signing up for a dating service is paying money to constantly be "job interviewing" guys to be my next date...cause doesn't that sound like a lot of fun? I could talk about the anger when they get mad because I tell them I'm not interested in going out again.

I would reference how much I hate having to explain the whole no gall bladder thing and my troubles eating. Going out to eat and trying to figure out what I can order on the menu or how can I tell this guy that I really can't eat the food I just ordered.

And I'm not saying stay with a guy just so I don't have to date or put up with a guy that treats me poorly so that I have someone. I'm saying that when a relationship ends, it sucks. And the stupid shit people say is just stupid shit.

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time. That joke keeps running through my mind. Mainly because survival after breaking up is a total misery. I've broken it into bits. If I can just make it through this day. Then if I can just make it one week.

I think about him every day. Things happen and I think I can't wait to tell the Air Marshall and then there is a moment when I remember that I'm not going to get to talk to him. Or something funny happens and I think that he would think it was really funny too.

I went back through my posts and realized that the posts although totally infrequent are a lot like life in general. We don't talk about the good, we just focus on the bad.

I've always thought the problem w/ dating/marriage etc and friends is that really the only time we talk about our significant others is when something is wrong so the people around us get this totally skewed view of our relationships.

Because for me, the things that I really miss are the 5 am phone calls when he's on his way to work and I'm still half asleep talking about the day or what happened the day before or what we hope to do when we see each other next. The 10 pm phone calls when we are both falling asleep but talking about how we can't wait to be together and actually get to fall asleep in each others arms every. single. night.

I'm missing the sweet things he would say to me whenever we talked like how much he valued me and appreciated me. He told me he loved me all of the time, and that he couldn't believe how amazing I am. I've never dated anyone that made me feel so good about myself.

We would have conversations about what we wanted to do in the future and what we liked and didn't like and places we wanted to go. We laughed at each others jokes, we had similar views on a ton of subjects. We just gelled really well together.

When we were together (and I admit the times were few), it was magic. We just fit together so well. We would talk for hours. It was special because the time was so short, and because we were able to totally focus on each other.

That's the stuff that no one heard. Let's be honest, no one wants to hear all the gushy stuff. So they didn't hear about it. All people heard about was the frustration of being far about and not getting to talk as much as I wanted. The troubles with being a woman in my 40s dating someone long distance with two kids. The problems with dating a male. Quite frankly, any male because let's be honest. Men are a pain in the ass. They think differently from women and they don't see lots of things the same way.

I am going to survive one day at a time. Then one week at a time, then one month at a time. And I'm not going to talk about him or cry in public or call him even when I am tired and lonely. But, I will think about him every day multiple times a day. And I will cry just not in public. And I will desperately want to talk to him and hear his voice and want him to call me. Even though, I won't pick up the phone. One. Bite. At. A. Time.

Run like your ass is on fire.

I started running a few years ago. My BFF was a runner. She didn't run to lose weight, she ran to stay in shape. I admired that. I wanted that. So I started running. And I was pretty good at it, and I enjoyed it.

I can't even remember what happened, but I stopped running at some point and started gaining weight and gaining weight and gaining weight. I knew I was going to end up like the incredibly fat teacher at my school riding around on her scooter because her knees were incapable of holding her fat ass up. So, I did something about it.

Lost weight. In March of 2011, I started running again. It was good. Then this fall school was falling apart because the girls were determined to make me crazy (at least that is what I assume), and I had no control over anything in any part of my life.

The running, that I had control over. I determined how long I ran and how fast. I finish a run, and I feel good when I'm done. As a fun side effect, the running enabled me to eat food without living in fear that it would fly out of my body at high speeds when I wasn't prepared. I could almost be a normal person with the food eating.

And now? School is still a mess, my heart is totally broken, and running makes me feel better. I've been adding to my inspirational wall and the above picture is what I stare at while I run.

Jonesing to be in my house

So right before Christmas the kids introduced me to Pinterest. An online bulletin board. A way to find outfits, good quotes and most importantly ideas of things for the home. I am totally addicted. In fact, I think I've solved most of the problems I've thought the new house has, and determined what I want to do.

And it makes me want to be in the house RIGHT NOW. I'm ready to start working on the house...if I could just freaking find out if it is going to be my house.

The Air Marshall

Last spring break I had plans to visit the bff in D.C. When I made the plane reservation I had miles and I treated myself to a first class seat. I also treated myself to a 7:00am flight. I spent the night at my parents so they could give me a lift to the airport.

I brushed my teeth. But literally, that is all I did. Cargo pants, blue fleece COVERED in dog fur and hair pointed in 42 different directions. No make-up. None. Nada. 41 years of living, with no pretense of looking pretty.

I realize as I approached the terminal that I was holding a first class ticket. Haha I thought, I should scare the rest of the 1st class passengers.

As I approached my seat, my eyes set on the hottest guy I had seen in a very, very long time. Dark, short military haircut. Did I mention hot? He was on the phone so I consoled myself with the notion that he was probably married.

Within minutes we were talking. Not married, two boys. yada yada. It was great. We talked the whole time. He was invested in being a dad. It made me think of my cousin GK who I very much admire because of his commitment to being a dad. I was also impressed that he didn't bash his wife, and he said the divorce was his choice. He was thoughtful, funny, intelligent. I practically swooned.

Towards the end of the flight he gave me a napkin which I promptly started to crumple up to throw out. He looked horrified. He written his information down.

He asked me out for that night, but I told him I couldn't. I was visiting my BFF and it wouldn't be right etc.

At almost the very end of the flight he said he had to tell me something. He was actually an Air Marshall. Put my hand on his gun (don't be dirty, his real gun) so I would know he was legit. And, it's true it would be like saying he's in the CIA. I would never have believed him if he hadn't had a gun on the plane.

He walked me to the curb after getting my luggage (the largest bag ever which I was testing out for my Europe trip but I was totally embarrassed to have it for a 5 day trip.) I was so enraptured with him that I didn't see the BFF pull up, call or yell for me. The third time she called I finally heard it.

I got in her car and told her about my lovely seat companion. Afterwards, she looked at me in horror and said, "You turned down a date with a hot Air Marshall so you could watch a 13 year old at rugby practice, WHY?"

Well, sure if you are going to put it that way, it sounds a little crazy.

That night, with nothing to wear (so all borrowed clothes for me. Let's face it, most trips to visit the BFF do NOT involve dress up occasions.) I did the best I could, put on a little make-up, curled my hair and traipsed off for my date.

It was wonderful. He was impressed that I cleaned up so nicely : ). We ended up going to Chili's. I had told him during the flight about my gastro-intestinal issues courtesy of not having a gall bladder. So as we looked at the menu, he told me if I didn't see anything else, we could find another place. I was really impressed that he'd remembered and that he said that.

We went back to his hotel, and yes, we made out, but that was it. He walked me back to the train station.

We talked practically every day after that. Texted, emailed etc. We didn't see each other again until the end of May...In fact by the beginning of December when I flew to Milwalkee for our date...it was only our 6th date.

It didn't really matter though. He got me. I'm not sure how he meant it but occasionally he would tell me that there were things he really didn't like but he loved me. And I would much rather have him recognize my faults and love me despite them than to tell me that I'm perfect.

Back to the story. After seeing each other in December he had the birthday present I had given him (Book of stick figure pictures explaining why I loved him and the magazine I made for him of articles I'd found and love notes from me.) He was trying to find a place to put them since he hadn't told his kids I existed yet. Unfortunately while he was hunting for a place, they came home and found the presents.

Things fell apart from there. He wasn't calling as much, he wasn't talking to me, and I was mad and hurt. I did think he wanted to be able to tell his kids he wasn't dating anyone, but to be honest, I know that wasn't the only reason I called and broke up with him.

We talked a couple of days before New Year's Eve and then nothing. I sent an email, then a voice message, then another email, then another voice message. But if he wasn't going to talk to me, there wasn't anything I could do. I deleted him from my phone (let's admit it, I get drunk easily and I'm a dialer...best for everyone if I couldn't drink and dial.)

Today, he sent a text "At your convenience call me when you have a minute." Well, I was pretty sure it was him, didn't have his number in phone any more, but I felt my heart skip a beat, so I called him back.

It was a bit of a strange conversation. I am so damn grateful that he called and told me what was going on. No, things aren't better. Yes, he was calling to tell me he was still falling apart, but he was getting help. Somewhere in the middle he told me that when he met me he knew I was who he had been waiting for, but he couldn't ask me to wait for him because he didn't know what would happen next. So, 16 minutes later, we were off the phone.

And that's ok. I'm going to keep him in prayers. I'm going to live my life, and God willing, in the end, maybe we will end up together. Right now, that's my fervent hope. I love him. I know his short comings, and they don't matter. He knows mine, and he loves me anyway. Pretty good basis for a lasting relationship if you ask me.

Now, if we can just get his kids on board, and his brain in a good place...

Day 2 Second Semester

Day one ended at about 8pm when I totally and completely crashed and burned. And today? Well, if I could lay down and take a nap right now, I would totally do it.

It is always amazing to me that two weeks off can create such havoc when returning to work.

I ran last night for the first time in two weeks... not pretty. And today I am mildly hobbled. I am hoping that taking today off will allow me to get back in the groove tomorrow.

Trust me when I tell you have lots to do. APG, real estate book, yearbook, blah, blah, blah. Don't want to do none of it.