What I've learned from online dating

Online dating websites... really are digital bars. Sometimes a guy will wink at a girl, and maybe she winks back. He thinks she’s cute, she thinks he’s cute. Maybe even he’ll start a conversation. They’ll chat, and see if something comes of it. Sometimes she appreciates that she was noticed, but isn’t interested. The difference here  is  everyone’s sober. Probably.

It’s hard to be a guy, even on match. I realize I’m an old fashioned girl. I had “girls don’t call guys” beaten into me. So, even on match, at least for me, guys make the first move. 

All the guys say they don’t want drama queens, all the girls say they are easy going, all the guys say they are smart, funny, and great and all the girls say they are incredibly happy. 50% of all four groups are lying.

Humans are biologically visual. The idea that we aren’t is ludicrous. The people that think they are above including a photo are delusional. And probably ugly. Haha. Kidding. Kind of. Sometimes people strike a chord in us, and sometimes they don’t. That is just the way it works. And the people that chose really odd photos of themselves, looking goofy or whatever…what are they thinking?! It’s odd.

People are contradictory. Guys say they want a girl that doesn’t care about money, then include a photo of a Mercedes. Girls say they want to be liked for their personalities and then have pictures of themselves in swimsuits.

I thought I didn’t have a clear picture of what I wanted in a guy, but I actually do. I want a guy that is confident and ok with an independent girl. I want a guy that doesn’t mind a smart girl. I want a guy that’s ok not doing anything as well as going all weekend. I don’t think of myself as a techy girl, but I work with computers all day, text all of the time, and talk on the phone pretty often; I probably need a guy that is ok with all of that. 

Grammar matters. OK, I get that I am an English teacher, but honestly, people should really proof read their work. Some of the errors I see make my eyes hurt.  

As nice as it is to get an email, the ones with declarative statements or single questions, such as anyone home?…make it really difficult to respond. Ask questions, that is my suggestion. 

And last, even online dating is a beating. There is no getting around that. 

16 hours till the 20th anniversary of my 22nd...

And I'm sitting here transfixed by a desire to sob like a baby. I really thought I was getting better. I was going to pull out of the total and complete funk I have been in since December. Yes, I am running a marathon but the end is in sight.

Sigh. Not so much. First, to be clear. I love my birthday. I know it isn't in vogue at my age to like it so much, but I do. If nothing else, I'm impressed I haven't killed myself in a car accident before now (anyone who has ridden in a car with me can attest to the problems a limited attention span can cause to one's capabilities as a driver.)

So, generally speaking, I am happy weeks before my birthday as I anticipate the fun of being delightfully happy all day long. Presents are lovely, yes. But it is nice to have people be nice all day just cause it's my day.

Inadvertent though it may have been, something about being told to compare myself to my younger version makes me want to weep. I loved younger me. I was confident. I still though I could choose my own destiny etc etc.

I look at myself now and NOTHING has gone the way I thought it would. I am in no way living the life I envisioned for myself. I think I've mostly learned to be happy with who and what I am, but it doesn't mean that I might not have wished things had gone differently.

And, of course, then I get to think about where I am today, literally specifically today.

Living with my parents is exhausting. They are lovely, and I totally appreciate the fact they let me move in with them as I work through this stupid house purchase, but it doesn't mean I have enjoyed living through months of being in a 10x10 room with most of my stuff in storage and unable to find ANYTHING I'm looking to find. I am trying to be respectful of Dad's desire to be the only one to answer the phone and to not be on my phone in the house and to come in a respectful time when I have been out and to do all the other crap you do when living in someone else's house. I'm sure I'm failing at all sorts of stuff and annoying the hell out of them too. But every minute makes me tired. I've gone to bed at 8pm so many times, I think my parents are slightly freaked out.

I am exercising. That is great. But it is an obsession because I can't control anything else in my life. Quite honestly, I hurt most days when I finish and I always dread starting. The kids make me feel guilty for leaving them to go run, and then I'm tired and disgusting but still at work for another hour or two trying to get pages done.

And this is the year that I can't seem to motivate the kids, get them to meet deadlines, etc etc and I have a weird mother trying to get my job (ha, she can have it) and next year I'm responsible for the regular yearbook AND the district 100th anniversary book. I'm certain THAT'S going to go well.

I am buying my 4th home. Great. But I am paying more than I wanted to pay. I'm going to have less money once I buy than I planned on having. And I am without a doubt moving into the most disgusting place I've ever bought. Possibly seen. Seriously dirty and the more I think about it the more I think how much I need to do to be able to fix up the home...with money I don't have.

Oh, and relationships.....hahahahahahaha. To have met a guy that I think is really amazing and fantastic and to now be uncertain about if it will ever work itself out or if I have just been wrong about him and us makes me just a little bit nuts. But on top of everything else? It just all makes me want to weep. Right here. Right now. Non stop. And I can feel the acid in my stomach burning holes through the lining. Super.

And then you have to tell your friends

Breaking up is bad enough, but telling friends is a beating of its own. There's a lot you can learn about people just from their reactions to hearing about a break up. Certainly the last couple of weeks have been hard as I run into people who I haven't seen and friends start finding out that the Air Marshall and I have broken up.

"He wasn't right for you." Really? How exactly do you know that....having never met him and all? Hell, even if they had met him, how would they know that? I don't even know where that comes from.

"You should wait for a guy that won't let anything get in his way from seeing you." That's my favorite really...cause unless he steps out of a Disney fairytale...Are you fucking kidding me? We are grown ups, in the real world, and in our 40's living 5 states apart. Life is a pain in the ass and lots of stuff gets in the way. And really, I've never met a man who rolls that way. What the hell TV are these girls watching???

We all have different deal breakers, and I've said before it is amazing what other women are willing to put up with in a relationship while they look at you and say, "I can't believe you put up with that." I mean if a man is physically abusive or crushing a girl's spirit...done. Everyone should raise their voices to the rafters and stop that mess. After that, isn't it about personal preference? What are your deal breakers? What can you put up with forever? Does he bring you up or pull you down? Does me make you smile or cry? It's different for everyone.

In general (yes, my opinion), men are a pain the in the ass. They are needy and dense, and quite often they just don't get girls. But when we find one that makes us laugh and GETS us. That is something pretty impressive. When we find a guy that loves us and makes us feel good about ourselves, that is amazing. When we find a guy that has the same goals and dreams and wants to make a life with us, that is fantastic. So what if they annoy us and frustrate us upon occasion? Are you going to look me in the eye and say you found the one guy that DOESN'T ever annoy you or frustrate you 0r do things that you find baffling? I'm gonna have to call bullshit on that.

But then there are the friends that just said, "I am so sorry." And asked questions like, "Are you ok?" "How do you feel about it?" Things like that.

The ones that understand and get it.

I mean let's be honest. Yes, I am amazing. But I am also difficult, cranky and high maintenance. I am funny (although not everyone appreciates my humor), smart (and trust me when I tell you this is not a good thing in the dating world) and opinionated (also not so great in dating.)

I have huge food issues, and I like to go to bed at 9. I love the people I love, but I don't really like most people. So to find someone who likes me....loves me....loves all my quirks and funny habits, thinks I'm funny and doesn't mind that I'm smart (hell, he liked and respected it) ...that is someone special.

And I liked him. He didn't annoy me. He made me laugh, and he made me feel good. His voice warmed my soul. Liking guys is a lot harder than loving them if you asked me. And I did both, but I really liked him, as a person and as a man.

And all that to say, the end of relationships like death and other horrible events really just requires friends to say, "I'm sorry, and I'm here."

The presumption that someone knows someone else's relationship, it's probably a mistake. Because you are making judgments on minimal information at best. The information that absolutely says the least about a relationship and a person.

And the part that is totally exhausting? The casual references people make to dating and finding another guy and how much better I could do. Makes me want to laugh in their faces. Cause the people that talk about dating and finding another guy? They are all married. For a long, long, time. They don't know shit about dating.

Just thinking about dating makes me want to weep. If I were on my old blog, I would make references to multiple previous posts (resurrected- one, two, three) when I wrote about my many suckass dates. I would talk about a. how I never meet anyone (career choice not best for "dating") b. how signing up for a dating service is paying money to constantly be "job interviewing" guys to be my next date...cause doesn't that sound like a lot of fun? I could talk about the anger when they get mad because I tell them I'm not interested in going out again.

I would reference how much I hate having to explain the whole no gall bladder thing and my troubles eating. Going out to eat and trying to figure out what I can order on the menu or how can I tell this guy that I really can't eat the food I just ordered.

And I'm not saying stay with a guy just so I don't have to date or put up with a guy that treats me poorly so that I have someone. I'm saying that when a relationship ends, it sucks. And the stupid shit people say is just stupid shit.

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time. That joke keeps running through my mind. Mainly because survival after breaking up is a total misery. I've broken it into bits. If I can just make it through this day. Then if I can just make it one week.

I think about him every day. Things happen and I think I can't wait to tell the Air Marshall and then there is a moment when I remember that I'm not going to get to talk to him. Or something funny happens and I think that he would think it was really funny too.

I went back through my posts and realized that the posts although totally infrequent are a lot like life in general. We don't talk about the good, we just focus on the bad.

I've always thought the problem w/ dating/marriage etc and friends is that really the only time we talk about our significant others is when something is wrong so the people around us get this totally skewed view of our relationships.

Because for me, the things that I really miss are the 5 am phone calls when he's on his way to work and I'm still half asleep talking about the day or what happened the day before or what we hope to do when we see each other next. The 10 pm phone calls when we are both falling asleep but talking about how we can't wait to be together and actually get to fall asleep in each others arms every. single. night.

I'm missing the sweet things he would say to me whenever we talked like how much he valued me and appreciated me. He told me he loved me all of the time, and that he couldn't believe how amazing I am. I've never dated anyone that made me feel so good about myself.

We would have conversations about what we wanted to do in the future and what we liked and didn't like and places we wanted to go. We laughed at each others jokes, we had similar views on a ton of subjects. We just gelled really well together.

When we were together (and I admit the times were few), it was magic. We just fit together so well. We would talk for hours. It was special because the time was so short, and because we were able to totally focus on each other.

That's the stuff that no one heard. Let's be honest, no one wants to hear all the gushy stuff. So they didn't hear about it. All people heard about was the frustration of being far about and not getting to talk as much as I wanted. The troubles with being a woman in my 40s dating someone long distance with two kids. The problems with dating a male. Quite frankly, any male because let's be honest. Men are a pain in the ass. They think differently from women and they don't see lots of things the same way.

I am going to survive one day at a time. Then one week at a time, then one month at a time. And I'm not going to talk about him or cry in public or call him even when I am tired and lonely. But, I will think about him every day multiple times a day. And I will cry just not in public. And I will desperately want to talk to him and hear his voice and want him to call me. Even though, I won't pick up the phone. One. Bite. At. A. Time.

The Air Marshall

Last spring break I had plans to visit the bff in D.C. When I made the plane reservation I had miles and I treated myself to a first class seat. I also treated myself to a 7:00am flight. I spent the night at my parents so they could give me a lift to the airport.

I brushed my teeth. But literally, that is all I did. Cargo pants, blue fleece COVERED in dog fur and hair pointed in 42 different directions. No make-up. None. Nada. 41 years of living, with no pretense of looking pretty.

I realize as I approached the terminal that I was holding a first class ticket. Haha I thought, I should scare the rest of the 1st class passengers.

As I approached my seat, my eyes set on the hottest guy I had seen in a very, very long time. Dark, short military haircut. Did I mention hot? He was on the phone so I consoled myself with the notion that he was probably married.

Within minutes we were talking. Not married, two boys. yada yada. It was great. We talked the whole time. He was invested in being a dad. It made me think of my cousin GK who I very much admire because of his commitment to being a dad. I was also impressed that he didn't bash his wife, and he said the divorce was his choice. He was thoughtful, funny, intelligent. I practically swooned.

Towards the end of the flight he gave me a napkin which I promptly started to crumple up to throw out. He looked horrified. He written his information down.

He asked me out for that night, but I told him I couldn't. I was visiting my BFF and it wouldn't be right etc.

At almost the very end of the flight he said he had to tell me something. He was actually an Air Marshall. Put my hand on his gun (don't be dirty, his real gun) so I would know he was legit. And, it's true it would be like saying he's in the CIA. I would never have believed him if he hadn't had a gun on the plane.

He walked me to the curb after getting my luggage (the largest bag ever which I was testing out for my Europe trip but I was totally embarrassed to have it for a 5 day trip.) I was so enraptured with him that I didn't see the BFF pull up, call or yell for me. The third time she called I finally heard it.

I got in her car and told her about my lovely seat companion. Afterwards, she looked at me in horror and said, "You turned down a date with a hot Air Marshall so you could watch a 13 year old at rugby practice, WHY?"

Well, sure if you are going to put it that way, it sounds a little crazy.

That night, with nothing to wear (so all borrowed clothes for me. Let's face it, most trips to visit the BFF do NOT involve dress up occasions.) I did the best I could, put on a little make-up, curled my hair and traipsed off for my date.

It was wonderful. He was impressed that I cleaned up so nicely : ). We ended up going to Chili's. I had told him during the flight about my gastro-intestinal issues courtesy of not having a gall bladder. So as we looked at the menu, he told me if I didn't see anything else, we could find another place. I was really impressed that he'd remembered and that he said that.

We went back to his hotel, and yes, we made out, but that was it. He walked me back to the train station.

We talked practically every day after that. Texted, emailed etc. We didn't see each other again until the end of May...In fact by the beginning of December when I flew to Milwalkee for our date...it was only our 6th date.

It didn't really matter though. He got me. I'm not sure how he meant it but occasionally he would tell me that there were things he really didn't like but he loved me. And I would much rather have him recognize my faults and love me despite them than to tell me that I'm perfect.

Back to the story. After seeing each other in December he had the birthday present I had given him (Book of stick figure pictures explaining why I loved him and the magazine I made for him of articles I'd found and love notes from me.) He was trying to find a place to put them since he hadn't told his kids I existed yet. Unfortunately while he was hunting for a place, they came home and found the presents.

Things fell apart from there. He wasn't calling as much, he wasn't talking to me, and I was mad and hurt. I did think he wanted to be able to tell his kids he wasn't dating anyone, but to be honest, I know that wasn't the only reason I called and broke up with him.

We talked a couple of days before New Year's Eve and then nothing. I sent an email, then a voice message, then another email, then another voice message. But if he wasn't going to talk to me, there wasn't anything I could do. I deleted him from my phone (let's admit it, I get drunk easily and I'm a dialer...best for everyone if I couldn't drink and dial.)

Today, he sent a text "At your convenience call me when you have a minute." Well, I was pretty sure it was him, didn't have his number in phone any more, but I felt my heart skip a beat, so I called him back.

It was a bit of a strange conversation. I am so damn grateful that he called and told me what was going on. No, things aren't better. Yes, he was calling to tell me he was still falling apart, but he was getting help. Somewhere in the middle he told me that when he met me he knew I was who he had been waiting for, but he couldn't ask me to wait for him because he didn't know what would happen next. So, 16 minutes later, we were off the phone.

And that's ok. I'm going to keep him in prayers. I'm going to live my life, and God willing, in the end, maybe we will end up together. Right now, that's my fervent hope. I love him. I know his short comings, and they don't matter. He knows mine, and he loves me anyway. Pretty good basis for a lasting relationship if you ask me.

Now, if we can just get his kids on board, and his brain in a good place...

"You are invisible"

This is what IGOOGLE is telling me currently. Actually I figured out how to change my status to say that. It reflects both how I am feeling and what I need right now. I guess.

I am at my parent's house. It requires I mostly be invisible because my dad does NOT like any change to his environment or schedule. An extra person in the house is disturbing to say the least. Bad enough I have been making them watch Buddy the wonder dog, but now his youngest and her plethera of crap are here, his head could explode at. any. moment.

Home? haha. I have none. I am almost completely packed up from my place which is good since the movers show up Monday. The "house contract" is sitting on the desk of some "negotiator" for the seller's mortgage company. Said negotiator I believe is on vacation. The seller's real estate agent has scheduled a phone call with said negotiator for Monday. Yes, the day after Christmas. (Insert snort here.)

So, closing in Feb? Not sure I believe it. Slitting wrists by February? Fairly likely.

In other news, breaking up remains hard to do. I, being the chicken shit that I am, chose to do it via voicemail. What can I say. I knew it needed to be done. He's got a hot mess on his plate and I am not helping anything and the control it was requiring to not flip out on him was becoming overwhelming. So, I did it. Haven't heard from him since. Makes me think I did the right thing. Also makes me want to weep like a baby.

All of this to say, I'm slightly crazed at the moment. I have a shit ton to do, but no desire to do any of it. I want to sit down and just drink myself silly for days but that pretty much guarantees I'll just cry for days which is no good for anyone.

I think I'm developing an allergy to hydrocodone which REALLY makes me want to weep. And in other news, no that pretty much sums it up.

So that invisible thing? Might not be so bad, at least for a little while.