do NOT mess with me world

That's right. Today is my birthday. You may not bring me down. 24 hours later....feeling much better thank you. Mostly cause there is a tiara on my head (It is my firm belief that is quite difficult to be unhappy with a tiara on one's head. You should try it. Really.)

And because I just can't help but love my birthday. I guard it fiercely. Birthdays should be happy. So, I shall be happy today. No worrisome thoughts. No concerns. No unpleasantness. Nothing but happiness. One. Two. Three. Go

16 hours till the 20th anniversary of my 22nd...

And I'm sitting here transfixed by a desire to sob like a baby. I really thought I was getting better. I was going to pull out of the total and complete funk I have been in since December. Yes, I am running a marathon but the end is in sight.

Sigh. Not so much. First, to be clear. I love my birthday. I know it isn't in vogue at my age to like it so much, but I do. If nothing else, I'm impressed I haven't killed myself in a car accident before now (anyone who has ridden in a car with me can attest to the problems a limited attention span can cause to one's capabilities as a driver.)

So, generally speaking, I am happy weeks before my birthday as I anticipate the fun of being delightfully happy all day long. Presents are lovely, yes. But it is nice to have people be nice all day just cause it's my day.

Inadvertent though it may have been, something about being told to compare myself to my younger version makes me want to weep. I loved younger me. I was confident. I still though I could choose my own destiny etc etc.

I look at myself now and NOTHING has gone the way I thought it would. I am in no way living the life I envisioned for myself. I think I've mostly learned to be happy with who and what I am, but it doesn't mean that I might not have wished things had gone differently.

And, of course, then I get to think about where I am today, literally specifically today.

Living with my parents is exhausting. They are lovely, and I totally appreciate the fact they let me move in with them as I work through this stupid house purchase, but it doesn't mean I have enjoyed living through months of being in a 10x10 room with most of my stuff in storage and unable to find ANYTHING I'm looking to find. I am trying to be respectful of Dad's desire to be the only one to answer the phone and to not be on my phone in the house and to come in a respectful time when I have been out and to do all the other crap you do when living in someone else's house. I'm sure I'm failing at all sorts of stuff and annoying the hell out of them too. But every minute makes me tired. I've gone to bed at 8pm so many times, I think my parents are slightly freaked out.

I am exercising. That is great. But it is an obsession because I can't control anything else in my life. Quite honestly, I hurt most days when I finish and I always dread starting. The kids make me feel guilty for leaving them to go run, and then I'm tired and disgusting but still at work for another hour or two trying to get pages done.

And this is the year that I can't seem to motivate the kids, get them to meet deadlines, etc etc and I have a weird mother trying to get my job (ha, she can have it) and next year I'm responsible for the regular yearbook AND the district 100th anniversary book. I'm certain THAT'S going to go well.

I am buying my 4th home. Great. But I am paying more than I wanted to pay. I'm going to have less money once I buy than I planned on having. And I am without a doubt moving into the most disgusting place I've ever bought. Possibly seen. Seriously dirty and the more I think about it the more I think how much I need to do to be able to fix up the home...with money I don't have.

Oh, and relationships.....hahahahahahaha. To have met a guy that I think is really amazing and fantastic and to now be uncertain about if it will ever work itself out or if I have just been wrong about him and us makes me just a little bit nuts. But on top of everything else? It just all makes me want to weep. Right here. Right now. Non stop. And I can feel the acid in my stomach burning holes through the lining. Super.

Why am I buying this house again?

The inspection was Friday. As I walked around the house, I thought about the fact I OFFERED $170,000 with the seller paying all of the costs...I am PAYING $177,500 and having to show up with over $5000 to closing. In addition, if I wanted to sell this house as is in 6 months, I couldn't get $177,500 for it if I danced around naked while it was showing...alright, sure that could devalue the whole thing, but still you know what I mean.

In fact, since the last time I saw it (I've seen it twice now.) He clearly has stopped any pretense of cleaning that MIGHT have been occurring up to this point. The whole place stinks of cat.

The carpets are disgusting. The whole place is pretty much a pit. The curtains had fur just hanging on them. The litter box is sitting in the family room where this guy clearly hangs out and right beside the kitchen. Not sure how he eats with that smell.

The inspector and the pest inspector both commented on the nastiness of it. On the plus side, they agreed that the house had excellent bones. So, two points for me for seeing beyond the nastiness to the what could be rather than what is. However, what it could be, is going to require so serious work. Really. Serious. Work.

It is going to require great thought to get the greatest bang for the buck on this deal. Cause the whole place needs an overhaul. Carpets are disgusting throughout. Kitchen is a hot mess and both bathrooms suck.

But. And this is a big BUT. There are possibilities. I just have to be really smart about all of it and pay close attention to what I am spending. hahahahaha. Seriously.

A small example

All year I have been dealing with some weird dysfunction in the yearbook room. Here is a small example of what I mean.

Yesterday I said to the senior staff: I must have all of the people pages printed with the correct page numbers by tomorrow morning. Period.

Today: No pages printed. EIC says Oh, I forgot. She gets them printed. Shows me then takes them away??? Leaving an index editor sitting in my office for an hour with nothing to work on.

We have 12 days to finish the yearbook. Completely. Period. This is what I am dealing with.

Well, it's not ALL bad

So about a week ago I was still in the "things can't get any worse, my life is terribly NOTHING is going ok" then God reminded me that my car had been working just fine cause I got hit with $1500 to get it working again.

Now, the house that I'm not even sure I want anymore has FINALLY been approved by Citibank (the seller's bank) to sell. Yip freaking pee. Next stop: inspection on Friday to see if the house being sold AS IS is in good enough shape to be worth buying. Keeping my fingers crossed and the prayer lines open.

The insanely crazy mother of a student who desperately wants me to be fired is at bay for the moment. I hate having her daughter in my class because it's like walking around on glass to be sure I don't say anything that could be misconstrued as negative...who are we kidding? I have to not say anything. Sigh.

I did get an email from the air marshall saying Happy Valentines day and he wanted to talk but he was flying to France would I be around this weekend. Ha. As if I do anything anymore. Clearly he's not reading the blog. hahahahahaha I don't want to think too much about that either. My feelings for him haven't changed, but I know that things aren't going well for him yet either. So, I don't know what that conversation holds. Gonna try to not obsess over that too. (Let's be honest, he's not a thinking deal, he's an obsessing deal.)

The yearbook staff is working. Pretty consistently at the moment. THANK YOU GOD. They have to get 45 pages in by this Friday and then another 20 next and final the book Feb 27th. If they pull it off, it will be a miracle but we need a miracle to get this book out on time. Never have we been so close to failure.

I spend most of my days trying really hard to NOT think too hard about any one part of my life. My brain flits around all topics constantly reminding myself to stay calm and trust in God.

In the meantime, I don't want to talk about ANY of it because it ALL stresses me out. I went out with friends the other night and literally said, "You can not be overly nice or solicitous. I will cry." I should call my sister, but I can't because we haven't talked in months. I don't have the energy to either catch her up or listen to her talk about her life. It takes energy to act interested. I haven't put a lot of thought into that before now, but it's true. It does. And all of my energy is being used up. I want to take a day off. But what would I do? Sit at home and stare at Pete and Mona? haha. No.

Ironically, it probably stresses out everyone around me to have me not wanting to talk about anything, but really I am doing the best I can at this point. I am like a marathoner just trying to make it to the end. I don't have a lot of witty banter in me. I don't have any fun stories. I don't have a lot of idle chit chat. All of that takes energy. Energy I don't have.

Right now, I feel like the end of my marathon is March 9th. If it goes through, I'll close on the house. The new yearbook staff for next year will be chosen. The main book will have been finaled. The real estate book will be off my plate until the next step in June, and I'll be able to focus on moving forward.

Today, I'm just focused on breathing in and out and staying vertical. I mean it.

Why we watch the Superbowl.

The commercials. Of course. Well, Hyundai opened things nicely with the "I give up" and Rocky theme response from actual employees in one of the plants.

The florists finally used what we all know. Flowers get men laid. Sure, we may not want that to be true. But we know that's why they send them, and it works often enough to keep them ever hopeful. (Whether we, as women, want that to be true or not.)

Madonna did a hell of a half time show. Of course, I love Madonna, so I might not be impartial in that assessment.

Clint Eastwood manages to inspire us even though I'd really rather have a BMW or an Audi.

Ok, the Drew Brees commercial was totally adorable.

The chevy truck surviving the apocolypse...and twinkies. Hahahahaha

I love the Volkswagon and the dog commercial. Very cute.

And, having watched the commercials online...I'm now ready for bed. Goodnight.

Now, I'm a Tweaker

Poverty forced me to stop drinking the SLAM I was getting from Avocare. That and being too depressed to actually make the purchase of the Slam happen.

A couple of days ago I started hearing on the radio about this product called Tweaker...much, much cheaper than the other options on the market.

And you know, it doesn't taste half bad. And it amuses me to no end that now I'm a "Tweaker."

Definitely feeling the rush from drinking this stuff. A rush, I most definitely need.