do NOT mess with me world

That's right. Today is my birthday. You may not bring me down. 24 hours later....feeling much better thank you. Mostly cause there is a tiara on my head (It is my firm belief that is quite difficult to be unhappy with a tiara on one's head. You should try it. Really.)

And because I just can't help but love my birthday. I guard it fiercely. Birthdays should be happy. So, I shall be happy today. No worrisome thoughts. No concerns. No unpleasantness. Nothing but happiness. One. Two. Three. Go

16 hours till the 20th anniversary of my 22nd...

And I'm sitting here transfixed by a desire to sob like a baby. I really thought I was getting better. I was going to pull out of the total and complete funk I have been in since December. Yes, I am running a marathon but the end is in sight.

Sigh. Not so much. First, to be clear. I love my birthday. I know it isn't in vogue at my age to like it so much, but I do. If nothing else, I'm impressed I haven't killed myself in a car accident before now (anyone who has ridden in a car with me can attest to the problems a limited attention span can cause to one's capabilities as a driver.)

So, generally speaking, I am happy weeks before my birthday as I anticipate the fun of being delightfully happy all day long. Presents are lovely, yes. But it is nice to have people be nice all day just cause it's my day.

Inadvertent though it may have been, something about being told to compare myself to my younger version makes me want to weep. I loved younger me. I was confident. I still though I could choose my own destiny etc etc.

I look at myself now and NOTHING has gone the way I thought it would. I am in no way living the life I envisioned for myself. I think I've mostly learned to be happy with who and what I am, but it doesn't mean that I might not have wished things had gone differently.

And, of course, then I get to think about where I am today, literally specifically today.

Living with my parents is exhausting. They are lovely, and I totally appreciate the fact they let me move in with them as I work through this stupid house purchase, but it doesn't mean I have enjoyed living through months of being in a 10x10 room with most of my stuff in storage and unable to find ANYTHING I'm looking to find. I am trying to be respectful of Dad's desire to be the only one to answer the phone and to not be on my phone in the house and to come in a respectful time when I have been out and to do all the other crap you do when living in someone else's house. I'm sure I'm failing at all sorts of stuff and annoying the hell out of them too. But every minute makes me tired. I've gone to bed at 8pm so many times, I think my parents are slightly freaked out.

I am exercising. That is great. But it is an obsession because I can't control anything else in my life. Quite honestly, I hurt most days when I finish and I always dread starting. The kids make me feel guilty for leaving them to go run, and then I'm tired and disgusting but still at work for another hour or two trying to get pages done.

And this is the year that I can't seem to motivate the kids, get them to meet deadlines, etc etc and I have a weird mother trying to get my job (ha, she can have it) and next year I'm responsible for the regular yearbook AND the district 100th anniversary book. I'm certain THAT'S going to go well.

I am buying my 4th home. Great. But I am paying more than I wanted to pay. I'm going to have less money once I buy than I planned on having. And I am without a doubt moving into the most disgusting place I've ever bought. Possibly seen. Seriously dirty and the more I think about it the more I think how much I need to do to be able to fix up the home...with money I don't have.

Oh, and relationships.....hahahahahahaha. To have met a guy that I think is really amazing and fantastic and to now be uncertain about if it will ever work itself out or if I have just been wrong about him and us makes me just a little bit nuts. But on top of everything else? It just all makes me want to weep. Right here. Right now. Non stop. And I can feel the acid in my stomach burning holes through the lining. Super.

Well, it's not ALL bad

So about a week ago I was still in the "things can't get any worse, my life is terribly NOTHING is going ok" then God reminded me that my car had been working just fine cause I got hit with $1500 to get it working again.

Now, the house that I'm not even sure I want anymore has FINALLY been approved by Citibank (the seller's bank) to sell. Yip freaking pee. Next stop: inspection on Friday to see if the house being sold AS IS is in good enough shape to be worth buying. Keeping my fingers crossed and the prayer lines open.

The insanely crazy mother of a student who desperately wants me to be fired is at bay for the moment. I hate having her daughter in my class because it's like walking around on glass to be sure I don't say anything that could be misconstrued as negative...who are we kidding? I have to not say anything. Sigh.

I did get an email from the air marshall saying Happy Valentines day and he wanted to talk but he was flying to France would I be around this weekend. Ha. As if I do anything anymore. Clearly he's not reading the blog. hahahahahaha I don't want to think too much about that either. My feelings for him haven't changed, but I know that things aren't going well for him yet either. So, I don't know what that conversation holds. Gonna try to not obsess over that too. (Let's be honest, he's not a thinking deal, he's an obsessing deal.)

The yearbook staff is working. Pretty consistently at the moment. THANK YOU GOD. They have to get 45 pages in by this Friday and then another 20 next and final the book Feb 27th. If they pull it off, it will be a miracle but we need a miracle to get this book out on time. Never have we been so close to failure.

I spend most of my days trying really hard to NOT think too hard about any one part of my life. My brain flits around all topics constantly reminding myself to stay calm and trust in God.

In the meantime, I don't want to talk about ANY of it because it ALL stresses me out. I went out with friends the other night and literally said, "You can not be overly nice or solicitous. I will cry." I should call my sister, but I can't because we haven't talked in months. I don't have the energy to either catch her up or listen to her talk about her life. It takes energy to act interested. I haven't put a lot of thought into that before now, but it's true. It does. And all of my energy is being used up. I want to take a day off. But what would I do? Sit at home and stare at Pete and Mona? haha. No.

Ironically, it probably stresses out everyone around me to have me not wanting to talk about anything, but really I am doing the best I can at this point. I am like a marathoner just trying to make it to the end. I don't have a lot of witty banter in me. I don't have any fun stories. I don't have a lot of idle chit chat. All of that takes energy. Energy I don't have.

Right now, I feel like the end of my marathon is March 9th. If it goes through, I'll close on the house. The new yearbook staff for next year will be chosen. The main book will have been finaled. The real estate book will be off my plate until the next step in June, and I'll be able to focus on moving forward.

Today, I'm just focused on breathing in and out and staying vertical. I mean it.

Now, I'm a Tweaker

Poverty forced me to stop drinking the SLAM I was getting from Avocare. That and being too depressed to actually make the purchase of the Slam happen.

A couple of days ago I started hearing on the radio about this product called Tweaker...much, much cheaper than the other options on the market.

And you know, it doesn't taste half bad. And it amuses me to no end that now I'm a "Tweaker."

Definitely feeling the rush from drinking this stuff. A rush, I most definitely need.

And then you have to tell your friends

Breaking up is bad enough, but telling friends is a beating of its own. There's a lot you can learn about people just from their reactions to hearing about a break up. Certainly the last couple of weeks have been hard as I run into people who I haven't seen and friends start finding out that the Air Marshall and I have broken up.

"He wasn't right for you." Really? How exactly do you know that....having never met him and all? Hell, even if they had met him, how would they know that? I don't even know where that comes from.

"You should wait for a guy that won't let anything get in his way from seeing you." That's my favorite really...cause unless he steps out of a Disney fairytale...Are you fucking kidding me? We are grown ups, in the real world, and in our 40's living 5 states apart. Life is a pain in the ass and lots of stuff gets in the way. And really, I've never met a man who rolls that way. What the hell TV are these girls watching???

We all have different deal breakers, and I've said before it is amazing what other women are willing to put up with in a relationship while they look at you and say, "I can't believe you put up with that." I mean if a man is physically abusive or crushing a girl's spirit...done. Everyone should raise their voices to the rafters and stop that mess. After that, isn't it about personal preference? What are your deal breakers? What can you put up with forever? Does he bring you up or pull you down? Does me make you smile or cry? It's different for everyone.

In general (yes, my opinion), men are a pain the in the ass. They are needy and dense, and quite often they just don't get girls. But when we find one that makes us laugh and GETS us. That is something pretty impressive. When we find a guy that loves us and makes us feel good about ourselves, that is amazing. When we find a guy that has the same goals and dreams and wants to make a life with us, that is fantastic. So what if they annoy us and frustrate us upon occasion? Are you going to look me in the eye and say you found the one guy that DOESN'T ever annoy you or frustrate you 0r do things that you find baffling? I'm gonna have to call bullshit on that.

But then there are the friends that just said, "I am so sorry." And asked questions like, "Are you ok?" "How do you feel about it?" Things like that.

The ones that understand and get it.

I mean let's be honest. Yes, I am amazing. But I am also difficult, cranky and high maintenance. I am funny (although not everyone appreciates my humor), smart (and trust me when I tell you this is not a good thing in the dating world) and opinionated (also not so great in dating.)

I have huge food issues, and I like to go to bed at 9. I love the people I love, but I don't really like most people. So to find someone who likes me....loves me....loves all my quirks and funny habits, thinks I'm funny and doesn't mind that I'm smart (hell, he liked and respected it) ...that is someone special.

And I liked him. He didn't annoy me. He made me laugh, and he made me feel good. His voice warmed my soul. Liking guys is a lot harder than loving them if you asked me. And I did both, but I really liked him, as a person and as a man.

And all that to say, the end of relationships like death and other horrible events really just requires friends to say, "I'm sorry, and I'm here."

The presumption that someone knows someone else's relationship, it's probably a mistake. Because you are making judgments on minimal information at best. The information that absolutely says the least about a relationship and a person.

And the part that is totally exhausting? The casual references people make to dating and finding another guy and how much better I could do. Makes me want to laugh in their faces. Cause the people that talk about dating and finding another guy? They are all married. For a long, long, time. They don't know shit about dating.

Just thinking about dating makes me want to weep. If I were on my old blog, I would make references to multiple previous posts (resurrected- one, two, three) when I wrote about my many suckass dates. I would talk about a. how I never meet anyone (career choice not best for "dating") b. how signing up for a dating service is paying money to constantly be "job interviewing" guys to be my next date...cause doesn't that sound like a lot of fun? I could talk about the anger when they get mad because I tell them I'm not interested in going out again.

I would reference how much I hate having to explain the whole no gall bladder thing and my troubles eating. Going out to eat and trying to figure out what I can order on the menu or how can I tell this guy that I really can't eat the food I just ordered.

And I'm not saying stay with a guy just so I don't have to date or put up with a guy that treats me poorly so that I have someone. I'm saying that when a relationship ends, it sucks. And the stupid shit people say is just stupid shit.

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time. That joke keeps running through my mind. Mainly because survival after breaking up is a total misery. I've broken it into bits. If I can just make it through this day. Then if I can just make it one week.

I think about him every day. Things happen and I think I can't wait to tell the Air Marshall and then there is a moment when I remember that I'm not going to get to talk to him. Or something funny happens and I think that he would think it was really funny too.

I went back through my posts and realized that the posts although totally infrequent are a lot like life in general. We don't talk about the good, we just focus on the bad.

I've always thought the problem w/ dating/marriage etc and friends is that really the only time we talk about our significant others is when something is wrong so the people around us get this totally skewed view of our relationships.

Because for me, the things that I really miss are the 5 am phone calls when he's on his way to work and I'm still half asleep talking about the day or what happened the day before or what we hope to do when we see each other next. The 10 pm phone calls when we are both falling asleep but talking about how we can't wait to be together and actually get to fall asleep in each others arms every. single. night.

I'm missing the sweet things he would say to me whenever we talked like how much he valued me and appreciated me. He told me he loved me all of the time, and that he couldn't believe how amazing I am. I've never dated anyone that made me feel so good about myself.

We would have conversations about what we wanted to do in the future and what we liked and didn't like and places we wanted to go. We laughed at each others jokes, we had similar views on a ton of subjects. We just gelled really well together.

When we were together (and I admit the times were few), it was magic. We just fit together so well. We would talk for hours. It was special because the time was so short, and because we were able to totally focus on each other.

That's the stuff that no one heard. Let's be honest, no one wants to hear all the gushy stuff. So they didn't hear about it. All people heard about was the frustration of being far about and not getting to talk as much as I wanted. The troubles with being a woman in my 40s dating someone long distance with two kids. The problems with dating a male. Quite frankly, any male because let's be honest. Men are a pain in the ass. They think differently from women and they don't see lots of things the same way.

I am going to survive one day at a time. Then one week at a time, then one month at a time. And I'm not going to talk about him or cry in public or call him even when I am tired and lonely. But, I will think about him every day multiple times a day. And I will cry just not in public. And I will desperately want to talk to him and hear his voice and want him to call me. Even though, I won't pick up the phone. One. Bite. At. A. Time.

"You are invisible"

This is what IGOOGLE is telling me currently. Actually I figured out how to change my status to say that. It reflects both how I am feeling and what I need right now. I guess.

I am at my parent's house. It requires I mostly be invisible because my dad does NOT like any change to his environment or schedule. An extra person in the house is disturbing to say the least. Bad enough I have been making them watch Buddy the wonder dog, but now his youngest and her plethera of crap are here, his head could explode at. any. moment.

Home? haha. I have none. I am almost completely packed up from my place which is good since the movers show up Monday. The "house contract" is sitting on the desk of some "negotiator" for the seller's mortgage company. Said negotiator I believe is on vacation. The seller's real estate agent has scheduled a phone call with said negotiator for Monday. Yes, the day after Christmas. (Insert snort here.)

So, closing in Feb? Not sure I believe it. Slitting wrists by February? Fairly likely.

In other news, breaking up remains hard to do. I, being the chicken shit that I am, chose to do it via voicemail. What can I say. I knew it needed to be done. He's got a hot mess on his plate and I am not helping anything and the control it was requiring to not flip out on him was becoming overwhelming. So, I did it. Haven't heard from him since. Makes me think I did the right thing. Also makes me want to weep like a baby.

All of this to say, I'm slightly crazed at the moment. I have a shit ton to do, but no desire to do any of it. I want to sit down and just drink myself silly for days but that pretty much guarantees I'll just cry for days which is no good for anyone.

I think I'm developing an allergy to hydrocodone which REALLY makes me want to weep. And in other news, no that pretty much sums it up.

So that invisible thing? Might not be so bad, at least for a little while.