The unbearable sadness of being

My dear friend's mother died Sunday morning. She was in hospice, she was old, she had been going downhill for a while. Not unexpected. He was able to be there and hold her at the end. It hurts my heart. I know he is very sad. We all know it is the circle of life.

Monday afternoon one of the school counselors came to tell me the mother of one of our students and a good friend of mine was in the hospital dying. She had cancer. She told almost no one. She thought she won. Two weeks ago she went back into the hospital. She died yesterday.

She is my age. She is funny and smart and kind and a great mom and in love with her husband and I am filled with soul crushing sadness. Her eldest is a freshman in college. Her younger son is a sophomore in high school.

My emotions are all over the place. I miss her already while I feel horrible for being a terrible friend and not knowing.

Life and death. Makes me think of the Princess Bride. "Life is painy, your highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."

Pinterest: Friend or Foe?

I've spent hours checking out Pinterest today. Of course, that is after hours of working on finances. Povery combined with checking out the things I'd love to buy. Sigh. Probably a mistake. 

Sure, there are lots of exercise plans and inspirational quotes. There are lots of recipes for healthy food. There are lots of how to's and instructions for things I want to do. 

On the other hand, there are lots of things I want to buy, yearn to buy and neeeeeeed to buy. But no money for the buying. 

So, I'm joining the movement. I'm going on the search for poor man versions of these things. For instance, good old pinterest showed me how to make a cheap leather cleaner. 1/4 cup olive oil with 1/2 cup vinegar in a spray container. Leather cleaner for cheap! Ignore the spot Jenny started chewing. Focus on the pretty shine on the leather. 

Operations "I'm Alpha" and "Self Control"

I don’t know why I don’t think things through before coming up with great plans (and the timing of said great plans.) 

First, I have been exercising since we returned to school.  That’s about 5 weeks. I have lost a grand total of zero pounds. I don’t even know how that is possible. So I am much aggrieved over the situation. Of course, as with all things everybody and their rabbit has advice of what I should do. I finally decided that I would give it ONE WEEK of hard core self-control (translated as only 1 drink a night, 2 on Saturday, and eating super healthy, vegetables and chicken till I squawk.) And, of course, I would continue to run.

Friday afternoon I hit the grocery store and bought a chicken and a bunch of vegetables to cut up. Saturday morning, I threw the chicken in the crockpot (world’s greatest invention). I then proceeded to go run, come home, eat a little chicken and vegetables before continuing on with my day.  It pains me to say, after 24 hours I’ve lost 2 lbs. What crap. Why must eating healthy be part of the equation????

Second, my dogs, shall we say, are miscreants. Gracie barks endlessly at me, and she pees everywhere. Dixie barks endlessly at Gracie and, quite frankly, starts fights. Buddy steals any and all food he can get his paws on as evidenced by my back yard which is the graveyard for food I wasn’t fast enough to put away. He’s the Houdini of food thieves.

So, I have kennels in the TV room that they all go to when I leave the house. I also have kennels in the bedroom, because, wait for it, I’m making them sleep in the kennels at night now. I will show them I am in charge if it kills all of us. (Side note: yes, that is six kennels, plus one loaned out to a friend and a spare. Can’t really explain how I have so many, but I do, and it’s turning out to be convenient.)

I also borrowed my parents “dog barking” house… it’s a device that when it hears the dogs barking emits a high pitched squeal people can’t hear to make the dogs stop barking. I’m not totally certain it works, but I’m trying.

Yesterday I left the house 3 or 4 times, and the dogs hit their kennels each time. The treats seem to help with the process, but it was nice to come home to the house being in the same condition as it was in when I left.

Last night, I will admit I gave Gracie a Benadryl to help with the “going to sleep” process. She can whine for a VERY LONG TIME and has when I have put her in her kennel in the past. Amazingly enough, Dixie was the one to whine softly in the night… luckily she gave it up after about 20 minutes.

These two operations are perhaps not best started on the same day because Operation self-control requires a calm environment so that I don’t want to eat the house empty and drink my way to poverty…on the other hand, being in a battle of the wills with three dogs really requires a lot of energy… and grapefruit juice if you know what I mean.

I probably need to do some more research to find ways to get the dogs under control, but as they say, the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? There is no doubt I have a problem. This place is mad chaos and the dogs are running the asylum. It has to stop. They are making me insane.

Of course I don't fully have a plan worked out for the week days... I work waaayyyy too many hours to leave them in kennels all day, but it kinda defeats the whole thing if they are out making messes during the week. On the other hand, part of what I'm trying to do is just get them used to going in the kennels like normal dogs. 

I’ll try to keep my act together remember to update the blog with operation details… hahaha. 

Confession

It doesn't seem to matter how much I WANT to blog daily, I am having a terrible time pulling it off. Hmm, seems familiar especially since I have been running 3-5 days a week since the first of the year. Weight lost? Yeah, that would be zero. And if todays step on the scale is indicative, I've gained. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

What kind of bent wrong crap is this?

And it's not like I don't have anything to kvetch about or extoll the greatness of...

kids not getting their work done? Lots of that. It'll be a miracle if there is a yearbook this year.

Video teacher sucks so badly I can hardly stand it? You bet. Lots of examples.

Administration doing it's usual political dance that makes my left eye twitchy... oh but of course.

Hi-lites dance and the stories that come from kids making very bad decisions... including one of my very favorite yearbook girls. You bet.

PR that deranged wench sending emails with exclamation points that make me want to gut her like a fish? Why not.

Plans for my moms 75th birthday and family relations that also make me nutty... lots of stories.

But can I manage to find the time to write about ANY of this? Apparently not.

Story. Of. My. Life.

OK, bell rang. Gotta run.

Two months?

I can't believe it has been that long since I posted. I didn't even post a new year's resolution post? How did I let that fly by. I think about how much is going on these days, and I know I have stuff to write about, so why am I not writing?

Of course what pulled me back this time is something that happened at school. I want to write about it as a learning experience for me, but we all know the last time I did that (without using names or specifics) a school board member and his daughter had kittens and caused me all sorts of trouble. Oh, what the hell, we all know one way or another the thing that will always get me in trouble is my words... verbal or written.

So this school year, in case I haven't mentioned it is about to go down on the books as the biggest all time beating. Both baffling.. the girls are always happy to say yes to whatever, and then they wander off and don't do what I ask. I have never dealt with that before. Out right mutiny. Sure. Sly unwillingness. Sometimes. Happy compliance without following through? Shoot. Me.

The senior ads have been the worst of the situation. The girls have worked their butts off. The pages are killing us. Last spring ad sales were during bomb threats and such, so it started out sideways. This summer all the ads were done on the wrong templates. AAuuugggghhhh. So they all had to be moved over and fixed.

At Christmas we did not have a single page submitted to the plant. We usually have about 550 by then. Over Christmas I did manage to submit them all. The senior staff decided to gas on it in the last three weeks of school before Christmas and got all of their first semester pages ready to go. It was impressive.

Second semester starts... and we have 2 more deadlines and 100 or so pages to go... and all of those first semester pages I submitted? Yes, they all came back as proofs within a two week period. It has been a madhouse.

We also have the flue and other illnesses flying around this place. So, it's been a bit hit or miss. One of the girls that is responsible for about 40 pages was out sick. I understand, no problem, but the pages are here waiting because she really knows where she is and what needs to be done etc. She doesn't talk to me when she gets back, apparently everything I say to her she takes as me being mean, not understanding etc etc. The hard part of that, is that I had talked to her about how I enjoyed having her on staff, but if she wanted to do something different we could work on that, and just please talk to me if there is a problem.

Does she? No, of course not. She just quits. It kills me. She knows that means all these other girls will have to do her job. And I clearly, am an idiot. The entire time she smiled at me and said, "Oh, it's fine." She was really being deceitful. It was lies. She wasn't going to tell me if there was a problem. She apparently things I'm evil and didn't mean anything I said to her??? Ug. Makes me feel gross. Makes me feel bad for the other girls. Makes me sad that this girl doesn't know how to be honest.

But, at the same time, it makes me so grateful for all of the other kids on the staff who have worked hard, and suffered through all the crap this year. They haven't quit, they haven't walked away. I know I need to tell them more often how proud I am of them and that it says so much about their character. And I am going to tell them today.

In the meantime, I'll work on posting more and getting some of the other fun stories of crap that goes down around here up.

I am...

Watching "Elementary" this morning as I get organized for my day and the immense amount of work I've set for myself to accomplish. Sherlock at the end is giving a speech about who he is saying he's neither proud of it nor does he apologize for it. I need to work on having the same response. I have been thinking a lot about that lately, especially after the chaos of the fight with PR and other things.

Both at school and in my personal life, there are times who I am is not what people think I should be. There are times who I am is almost shocking to others. That much honesty, that much unvarnished truth is not as appreciated as one might think.

I am honest. Sometimes painfully so. I am without a filter. I say things without thinking; sometimes just because I think I'm funny (turns out not always) and sometimes because I say the truth without remembing everyone doesn't want the truth.

I am a Christian. I don't always represent my believes well, I sometimes make choices that I regret because they don't serve God the way they should, but I am strong in my believes. I hope that I can become a better Christian day by day and that I can reveal my faith in ways that makes others want to know more and believe in God themselves.

I am a hard worker. Some might say I am a work horse. I am a believer in doing my best or doing nothing. I believe in that for those around me too.

I am a dog lover; much more than people. Many people know that. Some don't fully believe it until they spend some time with me.. then it becomes clear. On the upside I am loyal like the dogs I love.

I am an optimist. Even when I am I am speaking with the words of a realist or even a pessimist, I am still at heart optimistic. I do believe things work out the way they are supposed to work out.

I am dependable. I do what I say I am going to do. I am goal oriented. I like to be moving towards something. I like to feel like I am checking things off my list.

I am a teacher. That truly has been a gift from God. I don't know how he led me to this job, but I truly love what I do. I'm not always good at it. I make all sorts of mistakes, but I am always hoping to get better. I am always striving to be better.

I am, without a doubt, a work in progress. I am hoping that day by day I move closer to who and what I want to be at the end of the day.

I am not likely to change to any great degree. I am pretty much who I have always been. I am pretty much who I will alwasy be. I only hope that I can slowly become a better me.

My hold on reality is weak at best...

Well, if you have been following my twitter. You already know most of this because you have been getting the play by play as everything has unfolded. It turns out, I might be one hellova an optimist. Seriously, there is no other explanation. Well, that and I have no sense of space, time, numbers or physical properties. It's almost been painful...twitter does allow for the play by play. I'm going to use the GoPro cameras to record this weekend's project. Should be amusing.

 So, this is my wee house. I bought it with grand plans to fix it up and sell it. I haven't done all that much, but I'm about to get really busy.

A few weeks ago, I noticed a wet spot on the ceiling in the TV room. Hmmm I thought. I need to get that fixed. So I called a roofer, and I called the insurance company. Turns out, I'm getting a new roof. Whoop. They should help my plans to sell soon.  I figured it was time to start the remodeling in general...esp if I might be able to use their trashcan for my trash too!!  So I measured and went to Home Depot and chose my tile etc. to final do the kitchen and TV room floors.

I originally was buying the backer board and tile etc for both the tv room and the kitchen. Then I thought, maybe I should just do one room at a time. I called my friend Daisy and asked if she could help me get it all home...she has a minicooper too by the way. She said sure.

So there we are at home depot trying to get all the stuff home and both mini coopers are riding low. I mean really, really low. A home depot guy looks at our cars and says no. "Please let me get our truck and deliver it." We were going to but the guy was gone. "I can find a guy, " he said. Please see below. I don't know how I thought that was all going to fit. There is no way. Look at all of that stuff!!

So, they take it to my house. My garage is now quite full of tiling supplies.

Yesterday, I started the work of pulling up the laminate. I can get it all done in one day I said. Then I can tile in a day, and then grout in a day.  I started pulling up the laminate. Hmmm. Harder than I remembered.

Several hours into, I managed to pull up the two layers of laminate, although there was still the backing left behind..  I was using a scraper, a mallet, a very sharp instrument whose name I don't know. It was slow tedious and painful work. There was a lot of cursing.

By the end of the DAY I had a 3 ft by 3 ft square cleaned and looking good. My hands and back were permenantly curled, and my entire body hurt... but I had a square done... This is going to take more than a day. It was a good looking square, but wow it took a lot to get there.

So, I have revised my schedule. Assuming I can manage to go home each evening and work on a 3x3 area... I'm hoping I can pick up speed and maybe get more done on weekends.

So, now I figure it will take me two weeks to get the the laminate flooring up. Can't imagine how long it will take to lay the tile...I'm now guessing more than a day. Damn.